Finding the extraordinary in the
humdrum
Tonight, I celebrate my 8th
wedding anniversary with my husband and by some stroke of luck, or maybe through
our conscious efforts, we were successfully (or so I hope!) able to avoid the
infamous 7 year itch. Through routine and through chaos, having a child, moving
cities, family drama and occasional financial crises, I find myself to be
happily married and very much in love with him. Well, if he had as much hair as
he did when we first met, it would have been nice – but despite minor cosmetic
deterioration (which I am sure I have also been through) I don’t think I can
live without him.
Finding the right partner is the
best thing that can happen to you. But these days I see girls more concerned
about the wedding celebrations rather than the life post marriage, meticulously
planning functions, losing it over the dance performances and spending millions
on their outfits. The wedding is not the end – it is the beginning of it all.
The goal should be ensuring that when you come home after a day’s work, you
should be looking forward to coming home to your spouse. And for that, both
partners have to play an equal role. After all, miaan biwi aik hi gaarhi ke do pahiyay hein aur tali bhi do haathon se
hi bajti hai. Here are 10 ingredients that have helped me ensure that my gaarhi is always on a roll.
1. Being best friends
I put this as
the first ingredient because to me, this is the most important. Being good
friends before anything else will help you enjoy each other’s company forever.
Long journeys won’t seem long, explaining things will be easier, understanding
will be easier. We are each other’s best friend and turn to each other first in
happiness or in sorrow.
2. Say I love you, thank you and sorry
Even after you
have been together for the longest, these tiny sentences/words maintain their
significance. You need to let your spouse know that you still love him and
appreciate the tiny little or the big-deal things he does for you. Appreciation
makes the other person want to do even more. And of course, apologizing for
your mistakes just brings you closer. Remember, there is no ego in love and
saying sorry will make you a winner.
3. Know your rights but don’t forget your responsibilities
With education,
awareness and changing times, girls are now smarter and husbands more involved
in the house and with the kids. This is certainly something to be welcomed
because we can all use a hand when it comes to home stuff but with your spouse
sharing more of your chores with you, you should be doing things for him too,
which I see missing with aajkal ki paud.
Basically it is give and take and there is no work that is ‘too small’ to do
for each other. I iron his clothes when needed, but he irons mine too kabhi kabar. I will make him a cup of
coffee and fix him up a snack, but when I’m tired he will do the same for me.
He will babysit for me when I need a few hours at the mall or the salon and I
will tidy up his cupboard. At the end of the day, there is no pre defined
jurisdiction and when you share your life, you share it all.
4. Have
your own identity instead of merely being the Mrs.
Having your own
stuff to do is the key to sanity, not just for yourself but your husband as
well. Have a routine, have stuff on your things-to-do list to make sure your
only activity is not gnawing at the husband’s brain as soon as he gets home
from work. Whether it is having a career or simply pursuing a hobby, channeling
your creative juices and energy into something that makes you feel happy about
yourself is good for you and your relationship. And if you’re a mum, returning
home to the kids feeling refreshed will definitely make them like you more.
5. Kids free time
Needless to say,
we love our daughter and love our ‘family time’ but being with her also means
that time being about her. She makes sure of that. Listening to her day,
answering her questions and tending to her needs is what we do when she’s
around and having a meaningful conversation in that situation is something that
we don’t even attempt. We make it a point to have ‘our’ time, whether it’s
watching a show after putting her to bed, going for a movie or dinner together –
these little ‘escapes’ from life help us stay connected and up-to-date with
each other’s feelings. The day I don’t have that bed time chat with him, I sure
do feel incomplete.
6. Invest in experiences together rather than things
6. Invest in experiences together rather than things
That is
something that some of our actual friends and those not-really-required ‘Facebook
friend’s have disagreed with and have also been at times very vocal about it.
But I wouldn’t ever trade those experiences with say a land investment, a Chanel
bag, a polki set or expensive
furniture. We save the entire year to take our trips together which allow us to
discover more about each other. We get to concentrate on us and return being
closer.
7. Share funds
Though the
primary purpose of my earnings is to fund our vacations (LOL), I sometimes chip
in with the rent, with the insurance premium and sometimes in the monthly
household expenses if the need arises. I find it unfair for women to put the
entire financial burden on the husband.
When women want a certain kind of lifestyle, it is only right for them
to contribute and use the degrees that they feel so proud of. If times are such
that the hubby changes the baby’s diapers, then times also call for the wife to
actively participate in the finances.
8. Let each other’s personality thrive
8. Let each other’s personality thrive
I admit that my
husband is so much better at this than I am – BUT I am trying! The fact that he
has supported me in all kinds of decisions that I have taken about my career
and my hobbies means a great deal to me. Whether that involves him driving me
to Ghausia market and waiting outside
for hours on end, going with me to events just to help me take good pictures
for my blogs or helping me mark MCQs when those exams come in, he has been THE
one I can depend on. He has never to date told me "you can't do this" and I think my endeavors have been reasonable too (LOL). He encourages me to make new friends and to experiment
with life. He gives me the space to thrive which makes me feel alive in this
relationship. THENKS for that, husband.
9. Try to make sure outside influences don’t affect YOU
After loads of
stumbling and fighting, we have finally learnt that our family unit, based on
the both of us and our daughter, comes first. I guess there is no marriage free
of other people trying to interfere or making remarks but the key is to not let
your relationship fall prey to the trouble mongering. It took us a lot of years
but now arriving at this understanding is probably the best thing that has
happened to us. Since we cannot control what other people say, we have stopped
blaming each other for what is said or expecting each other to deal with
‘situations’. Finally, there is nothing that we want dealt with, as long as we
know that we love each other and nothing or no one else is more important.
10. Don’t aspire to be THAT couple – work on what makes YOU happy
10. Don’t aspire to be THAT couple – work on what makes YOU happy
Whether it’s how
you raise your kids, allocate your finances or how you spend your weekends, you
need to do what works for you and remember that grass is always greener on the
other side. Yes, it is great to learn from other couples and if you find
certain aspects of their relationship good, try to incorporate them into to
your own but not all aspects need to be replicated or envied. Your happiness
cannot, and must not, be defined by what might work for someone else.
Times can be good and bad. The
idea is to be able to keep that boat sailing, in calm waters as well as wild.
And you manage to do that successfully after a lot of soul searching, self
correction and appreciation for your partner. That’s what makes that expensive,
ugly and cramped apartment the home that I love.
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