Ingredients of a Happy Marriage

Finding the extraordinary in the humdrum

Tonight, I celebrate my 8^th wedding anniversary with my husband and by some stroke of luck, or maybe through our conscious efforts, we were successfully (or so I hope!) able to avoid the infamous 7 year itch. Through routine and through chaos, having a child, moving cities, family drama and occasional financial crises, I find myself to be happily married and very much in love with him. Well, if he had as much hair as he did when we first met, it would have been nice – but despite minor cosmetic deterioration (which I am sure I have also been through) I don’t think I can live without him.

Finding the right partner is the best thing that can happen to you. But these days I see girls more concerned about the wedding celebrations rather than the life post marriage, meticulously planning functions, losing it over the dance performances and spending millions on their outfits. The wedding is not the end – it is the beginning of it all. The goal should be ensuring that when you come home after a day’s work, you should be looking forward to coming home to your spouse. And for that, both partners have to play an equal role. After all, miaan biwi aik hi gaarhi ke do pahiyay hein aur tali bhi do haathon se hi bajti hai. Here are 10 ingredients that have helped me ensure that my gaarhi is always on a roll.

1. Being best friends

I put this as the first ingredient because to me, this is the most important. Being good friends before anything else will help you enjoy each other’s company forever. Long journeys won’t seem long, explaining things will be easier, understanding will be easier. We are each other’s best friend and turn to each other first in happiness or in sorrow.

2. Say I love you, thank you and sorry

Even after you have been together for the longest, these tiny sentences/words maintain their significance. You need to let your spouse know that you still love him and appreciate the tiny little or the big-deal things he does for you. Appreciation makes the other person want to do even more. And of course, apologizing for your mistakes just brings you closer. Remember, there is no ego in love and saying sorry will make you a winner.

3. Know your rights but don’t forget your responsibilities

With education, awareness and changing times, girls are now smarter and husbands more involved in the house and with the kids. This is certainly something to be welcomed because we can all use a hand when it comes to home stuff but with your spouse sharing more of your chores with you, you should be doing things for him too, which I see missing with aajkal ki paud. Basically it is give and take and there is no work that is ‘too small’ to do for each other. I iron his clothes when needed, but he irons mine too kabhi kabar. I will make him a cup of coffee and fix him up a snack, but when I’m tired he will do the same for me. He will babysit for me when I need a few hours at the mall or the salon and I will tidy up his cupboard. At the end of the day, there is no pre defined jurisdiction and when you share your life, you share it all.

4. Have your own identity instead of merely being the Mrs.

Having your own stuff to do is the key to sanity, not just for yourself but your husband as well. Have a routine, have stuff on your things-to-do list to make sure your only activity is not gnawing at the husband’s brain as soon as he gets home from work. Whether it is having a career or simply pursuing a hobby, channeling your creative juices and energy into something that makes you feel happy about yourself is good for you and your relationship. And if you’re a mum, returning home to the kids feeling refreshed will definitely make them like you more.

5. Kids free time

Needless to say, we love our daughter and love our ‘family time’ but being with her also means that time being about her. She makes sure of that. Listening to her day, answering her questions and tending to her needs is what we do when she’s around and having a meaningful conversation in that situation is something that we don’t even attempt. We make it a point to have ‘our’ time, whether it’s watching a show after putting her to bed, going for a movie or dinner together – these little ‘escapes’ from life help us stay connected and up-to-date with each other’s feelings. The day I don’t have that bed time chat with him, I sure do feel incomplete.

6.  Invest in experiences together rather than things

That is something that some of our actual friends and those not-really-required ‘Facebook friend’s have disagreed with and have also been at times very vocal about it. But I wouldn’t ever trade those experiences with say a land investment, a Chanel bag, a polki set or expensive furniture. We save the entire year to take our trips together which allow us to discover more about each other. We get to concentrate on us and return being closer.

7. Share funds

Though the primary purpose of my earnings is to fund our vacations (LOL), I sometimes chip in with the rent, with the insurance premium and sometimes in the monthly household expenses if the need arises. I find it unfair for women to put the entire financial burden on the husband.  When women want a certain kind of lifestyle, it is only right for them to contribute and use the degrees that they feel so proud of. If times are such that the hubby changes the baby’s diapers, then times also call for the wife to actively participate in the finances.

8. Let each other’s personality thrive

I admit that my husband is so much better at this than I am – BUT I am trying! The fact that he has supported me in all kinds of decisions that I have taken about my career and my hobbies means a great deal to me. Whether that involves him driving me to Ghausia market and waiting outside for hours on end, going with me to events just to help me take good pictures for my blogs or helping me mark MCQs when those exams come in, he has been THE one I can depend on. He has never to date told me "you can't do this" and I think my endeavors have been reasonable too (LOL). He encourages me to make new friends and to experiment with life. He gives me the space to thrive which makes me feel alive in this relationship. THENKS for that, husband.

9. Try to make sure outside influences don’t affect YOU

After loads of stumbling and fighting, we have finally learnt that our family unit, based on the both of us and our daughter, comes first. I guess there is no marriage free of other people trying to interfere or making remarks but the key is to not let your relationship fall prey to the trouble mongering. It took us a lot of years but now arriving at this understanding is probably the best thing that has happened to us. Since we cannot control what other people say, we have stopped blaming each other for what is said or expecting each other to deal with ‘situations’. Finally, there is nothing that we want dealt with, as long as we know that we love each other and nothing or no one else is more important.

10. Don’t aspire to be THAT couple – work on what makes YOU happy

Whether it’s how you raise your kids, allocate your finances or how you spend your weekends, you need to do what works for you and remember that grass is always greener on the other side. Yes, it is great to learn from other couples and if you find certain aspects of their relationship good, try to incorporate them into to your own but not all aspects need to be replicated or envied. Your happiness cannot, and must not, be defined by what might work for someone else.

Times can be good and bad. The idea is to be able to keep that boat sailing, in calm waters as well as wild. And you manage to do that successfully after a lot of soul searching, self correction and appreciation for your partner. That’s what makes that expensive, ugly and cramped apartment the home that I love.

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