"THIS TOO, SHALL PASS", THEY SAID.

And, so, it did…

  “Don’t bend mama, let me fetch it for you”, she says, every time I try to maneuver my pregnant self to pick up the pen that always chooses to slip through my fingers. It is unbelievable how fast she has grown up, how much she has grown up, to turn into my biggest fan, my greatest lover, my unconditional supporter, my enthusiastic partner, my extension, my reflection.

Minha, my daughter, is almost 6 now and I started expecting her just 2 years after my marriage. For some couples, that may not sound like ‘just’ as khushkhabri ki dua starts on the suhaag raat by the whole mohalla. But with us, there was absolutely no family pressure. My husband and I were still honeymooning - taking 3 trips a year, progressing in our respective careers, hardly seeing the sight of our apartment on weekends and making spontaneous purchases.  When the stripes on the home test turned red in Dubai, just one day after I had screamed my lungs out on the fastest roller coaster on earth in Ferrari World, I was stupid, care free and completely unaware of the meaning of a child.

Soon enough, Minha came about in my life, and I confess it was not love at first sight. It was a close attachment, at best, and nothing like the insanely intertwined relationship we share today. When she was an infant and those diaper or baby shampoo ads appeared on television, I thought they’re a hoax – because my diaper-changing and bathing moments were never the epitome of maternal bliss. I hated waking up during the night for her feeds. I hated cleaning poop in the middle of my meals. I pitied myself every time my hot cup of tea became cold for the 4^th time because she just wouldn’t sleep for more than 5 minutes during the day. I cared for her, I did the best I could for her. I made her feeding and sleeping schedules, took her out to play, dressed her in the best, read to her, meticulously decorated her baby book, did all the things that all mums do. But it was mere acceptance, not embracement.

I went back to work when she was 2.5 months and enjoyed those few hours away from home thoroughly, while she went to the day care with my husband at his office. I waited for her to sleep for the night so I could get an hour or 2 of ‘normalcy’ with my husband. For months after her birth, the both of us didn’t go out for dinner because ‘ye kaisa dinner hooa jismein sara time mein minha ko god mein le kar kharhi rahoon aur wo roti rahey’. When our parents visited Karachi from Lahore, the height of delight was going out for a movie while they’d babysit. Our expenses naturally shot up and our trips reduced to 1 per year – and she wasn’t a part of those trips till she was 3. I missed my long stretches of sleep, I felt mentally exhausted and the idea of a second child was nothing short of a nightmare.

But as they say, motherhood is strange. I don’t even know when my love affair with her began. I started feeling different about her without even knowing. Today, struggles of being a mum remain – there’s still never a quiet moment at home for me to work in peace. Meals are still not a pleasant experience. Bad dreams still disturb our sleep at night. But what I see now is her growing up fast. So fast that sometimes I want to pause time and breathe her in a little, smell her a little more, kiss her a little more, feel the warmth of her hugs a little more. I don’t know when it happened, but I look forward to our bedtime conversation. She is my confidant, her hugs are soothing. We go out for lunches together after school; we cuddle up in bed and watch movies with junk food.  I no longer want any time away from her or dream of her sleeping over at my mum’s. On days she has play dates, my afternoons feel empty. We have become so close. We are so in love. The teary eyes she gets when I tell her “I am not speaking to you” show me the love that no one else in the world can. When she asks me before she sleeps “mama, is the baby okay? Can I get you anything? Water? Medicine?”, I know this is the person who is always going to love me unconditionally, my baby, my daughter.

She got her ears pierced recently and I gave her little baalis that my dadi gave to me when I was 5. I thought to myself, “Oh my God, is she so old now that I am already passing down heirlooms to her”? And now that she is a little miss-capable-of-going-to-the-bathroom-herself, I miss those diaper-changing times when she would laugh hysterically if I touched her nose with mine. I wouldn’t say I lost, and then found myself. In fact, I clung to myself fiercely, never letting go of my own identity. But I think that I just discovered a part of myself that was hiding somewhere deep down inside.

There is not an iota of doubt that the process whereby infants metamorphosize into something close to human beings is a tough one, but once those tiny little feet move into shoes, leaving behind the booties as a sweet smelling memory, you will miss it. So, pause, breathe, cherish. Now, I just fear that sooner than later she will be more interested in her music and headphones than my bed time stories.  A few years ago, when senior mums said such things to me, I thought they belong to another planet. And today, here I am, saying the same to the new ones in the hood. “See flowers, not weeds”.

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The quote “See flowers, not weeds” has been taken from Handsfreemama.com.

MATERNITY STYLE HACKS FOR THE PAKISTANI MUM TO BE

How I built my bump tool kit for less

Though I was in no mood to make the effort, the ever expanding tummy size as the 8^th month approached begged for more room in my clothing. So, I decided to build myself a bump tool kit for the summer. Going shopping made me realize that, fashion wise, this is indeed the best time to be pregnant. Kyun? Kyunke flared silhouettes from 2011 have made a triumphant return, with loads of ready-to-wear A-line kameezes, peplums tunics and desi frocks on the racks. I did buy some prêt, but nothing else is camouflaging my tummy more than the customized wardrobe I got stitched for myself.

I wanted clothes which don’t cost me my jaidaad and are comfortable to wear without compromising my personal style.  The ghaneemat was that master sahab came over to do my stitching, thanks to the clothing business I ran for 5 years back in the day. With his cooperation (and feeding him samosas and jalebis every now and then to keep him happy), my kurtas have turned out to be cute as well as versatile - done up enough to take me through social calls, appropriate enough to dress me up for work and simple enough for me to run market errands in. Scroll down with a chai ka cup (or a Coca Cola?) for deets as I spill the beans just for you.

Before we start, plz remember: The cheaper my shopping, the happier I am. My poses must be appreciated, it wasn’t easy. I couldn’t create more variety with the hair because I look super fat when it’s tied. You can click on each picture and zoom in for more intimacy with the designs.

Points I kept in mind when designing my #lotd

Silhouette: I decided to go for an A-line cut for all my kameezes. I did not put on weight on my shoulders/chest area so wanted to keep the shirts fitted at the top, gradually increasing in volume to accommodate the tummy.

Main emphasis: From Miss Zara in London to baji Zara Shahjahan in Lahore, sab hi ko ajkal statement sleeves pasand hein. So, my aasteens are the championing sartorial feature of my kurtas.

Colours: I have picked pastels and yellows to keep things light and summery.

Extra embellishment: Laces, tassels and pearl buttons. No embroideries.

Accessories: Since I am quite a big chunk at the moment myself, I have decided to avoid chunky jewelry pieces and stick to pearl studs in the ears only. I’m playing with matching shoes, nail polish and lipstick for some fun.

Bottoms: Despite an endless list of choices in the bottoms department ATM, the only two lowers that work with an A-line cut are straight pants and tulip shalwars, so those are my saathis.

Places of procurement: Lahore Centre for all the prints and Button Corner in Ghalib Market for all the laces/tassels. Very convenient for laydiss whose main physical feature is their stomach.

#resultsbelike

#lotd No.1

I instantly fell in love with this pineapple print in yellow. I went for a boat neckline accentuated with lace (got it dyed). The balloon sleeves, elasticized at the forearm, feature cut out shoulders and strings around the elbow to be tied in a bow.

The shoes are about 4 years old, bought happily from Primark, London, for only £4 (yes, true story, and I am very proud of it).

#lotd No.2

Pastel blue is everywhere this summer and is easy on the eyes so I got this solid powder blue in doria for some texture. The sleeves are bubbled with a cuff right below the elbow. I added bows studded with a single pearl on the cuffs and a few pearl buttons on the back. Pretty floral lace adorns the hemline on the front and back.

I got the shoes from 3 Footwear for Rs.1450 and they have cute studded starfish on them.

#lotd No.3

This fabric was a must buy as it is totally different from the rest – the floral pattern is embroidered with a hand-painted sorts look. I added some colour by using mauve cloth on the cuffs and piping on the neckline. The sleeves are, again, bubbled with ruffled detailing. Threaded buttons adorn the neckline.

I got the shoes from an unexpected place – The Shoe Planet outlet in Gulberg Galleria. (myself also shocked)

#lotd No.4

This is the only branded fabric I got (from Khaadi) because I loved the chunri print and the lime green colour. The neckline sports braided yellow tassels and the sleeves have volume only in the bottom half.

Outfit paired with khussas from Khussa Mahal to complement the chunri pattern and tulip shalwar.

#lotd No.5

Powder pink is working well with my beauty status these days so this fabric was instant love. The sleeves are shorter, smocked around the elbow, creating a cute, frilly effect. I also wore pretty pearl bracelets but I don’t think you can see them much. OHO. Lace embellishes the hemline.

Got these Nine West sandals on sale for Rs.2500 (yahoo!). The darker pink adds a pop of colour to the look.

#lotd No.6

The bright corals and oranges are super cheerful (and I like that) but brought down to some tameez with the off white base so, this print made its way to my heart. The hemline lace is dyed in 2 colours and the neckline is enhanced by 2-toned tassel strings. Ruffled sleeves are the statement feature of the kurta.

I got the shoes from Vincci a year ago on sale for Rs.1500. Proudz I am.

#lotd No.7

This white doria print pulls a BRIGHT KAREIN effect on my complexion which I really enjoy. The circular flounce in the sleeves is divided into 2 ruffles and the strings at the back are tied up in a bow. Pretty lace just above the elbow makes the sleeves more interesting.

#lotd No.8

No summer wardrobe can be complete without a mint green kameez now, can it? This fabulous fabric is soft and textured. The cold shoulder sleeves are voluminous elbow down. White zigzag and chikan laces adorn the sleeves and neckline. A bow at the back adds to the cuteness factor of the kurta, what say you? I finished off my look with a matching mint green nail colour.

These Tory Burch sandals were bought from Bicester Village near London on a great deal a year back. Great deals give me great satisfaction.

#lotd No.9

This print has my heart for 2 reasons - first, stripes are trending; second, it's my way of declaring my love for cream and Pakistani mangoes. The slit sleeves finish off with scalloped edges and pearls. 3 stringy bows on each sleeve add just the right amount of drama. I accessorized with a tan bag and shoes. Nail and lip colours are brown.

The shoes are present from a friend. She got them from FOREVER 21, Paris.

Kahani khatam, paisa hazam. Aur kaprhey banaye to waapis aoon gi.

*You can follow me on Instagram here.
** Also, you can read up on trending pants styles here if you wish, my story for Women's Own Magazine.

GREAT UNEXPECTATIONS

A new baby, 5000 miles and fresh waters to swim

19^th October, 2016, was the day I was waiting for. I had been having extremely demanding past few months while juggling teaching a University course, writing 8 articles a month for a magazine, doing a free lance project with a multinational (involving interviewing and writing profiles of a 100 women), and all that is part and parcel of running a house and raising a child. I was also stealing some time from all the madness for yoga classes to manage the agonizing pain in my lower back stemming from a slip disc. The interviews for my monstrous project were to end on the 18^th and I was waiting desperately to get my life back and a tad bit of sanity.

At snail’s pace, days passed by and came the glorious day of 19^th October, when I was to rejoice and rejuvenate my existence a little. Taking a day off from all my work as a reward, I finally had time to listen to my body. I realized I am abnormally lethargic and sleepy. I was nauseous too and, hallelujah, my XS Sapphire shirt did kinda feel extra small on me. OH SHIZ. It dawned upon me that it’s been a while since I had had my period.

To make doodh ka doodh and paani ka paani, husband missed his gym after work and returned with 2 home pregnancy tests. When I presented him with 2 red strips on both, he presented me with the following sentence: “You know that role in Switzerland? I got it.”

I sat there holding my head, recognizing that the meaning of this moment was 2-pronged. Pehli baat to ye thi ke Mashallah se, I was pregnant, that too, 7 weeks, that too, by mistake. It’s not that I didn’t want a second child; in fact, I did very much. But I was holding it off because of my broken back. I had had severe back pain since November, 2015, but had discovered the slip disc just a few months ago and was getting various treatments, which were failing one after another. I was on new pain killers and was doing very strenuous strength building yoga to manage the pain. With this exercise routine and painkillers, I couldn’t have been pregnant. Pregnancy meant not being able to sleep on my stomach, the only position of pain-relief. A new baby meant sitting down for indefinite periods for breastfeeding, which was petrifying as I was not, and still am not, able to sit pain free. Simple activities like watching TV while sitting on a sofa or chilling in my bed with my laptop are, for me, luxuries. I have had to counsel myself everyday to be strong and keep living my normal life. On bad days, I have actually lost the will to live for brief moments but have had to pull myself out of pessimism. And because of this pain and halfway through learning it’s management, I wanted to wait for number 2.

The second change that 19^th October brought with it was the fact that we were moving – again. Not to Lahore this time, but to Europe. Being very used to the Pakistani ways, the thought of being a stay-at-home mom with 2 children and without any help was beyond daunting. This was me, the Europe lover, the traveler, the explorer (I sound like Dora now) terror-stricken by Switzerland. Mein to waisey bhi raai ka pahaar bananay mein maahir hoon, ye sab to aik volcano tha jo aik dam phata. But at the end of the day being in Switzerland was not the problem, not being there was. With the super strict Swiss authorities and a few health factors here and there, today I sit here in Lahore, waiting for the baby, the visa and the day when the children, my husband and I will reunite physically as a family.

Between 19^th October and 30^th December, I packed up my home just 1.5 years after moving back to Karachi. I had to quit my beloved job at the IBA - again. I had to let go of my yoga instructor with whose help I was slowly making progress with my back. I had to quit all medication for pain instantaneously since I was unexpectedly expecting. I didn’t know where my blogging and free lance writing will be going, something that had just taken off and seemed to be doing well. The gham of losing my amazing cook was also killing me a little inside. Aur sonay pe suhaga, fat-days were impending.

But, between 19^th October and 30^th December I prepared myself to not just accept, but to embrace the changes. I don’t want to waste a single moment of my life waiting for ‘better’ times to come – I want to live every moment and extract the goodness even when it seems hard. So, I tried dealing with the changes that followed positively. After careful deliberation, I decided to home school my daughter till we were to be away from Karachi. It is an acute test of my patience but with the help of some cooperative mums and her school, we are making progress and I am actually enjoying watching her climb the ladder of learning. After teaching hundreds of students over my 8-year career in education, tutoring my own child has been the most rewarding. I am still writing for the magazine and adding to my blog. I have taken up part time O level teaching at LGS to keep my thirst for classrooms and Economics somewhat satiated. I am spending all my time with my daughter which has taken our relationship to a whole new level. I indulge in music and regular desi massages. My back doesn’t allow me to sit and read books so I have gotten audio books on my phone which I can enjoy while lying down. And in addition, I have gone all out making myself a pregnancy wardrobe which helps me look and feel good.

When life seems to be going off-track, even if in a good way in the long-run, unpredictability and lack of control over what is going on can be difficult to handle. Losing my job, ending up teaching a kindergarten course to my daughter rather than instructing undergraduates, letting go of pain killers, having to give up my own home and finding space for myself in my parents’ after 8 years of marriage,  and living without my husband who is the heart and soul of me can be overwhelming. In the midst of this roller coaster ride, pep talks with myself and with those who are around me have helped me buck myself up time and again. And finally, at this moment, I feel relaxed, positive, and ready to read a new chapter. After all, “the happiest people don’t have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything.”

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