GREAT UNEXPECTATIONS

A new baby, 5000 miles and fresh waters to swim

19^th October, 2016, was the day I was waiting for. I had been having extremely demanding past few months while juggling teaching a University course, writing 8 articles a month for a magazine, doing a free lance project with a multinational (involving interviewing and writing profiles of a 100 women), and all that is part and parcel of running a house and raising a child. I was also stealing some time from all the madness for yoga classes to manage the agonizing pain in my lower back stemming from a slip disc. The interviews for my monstrous project were to end on the 18^th and I was waiting desperately to get my life back and a tad bit of sanity.

At snail’s pace, days passed by and came the glorious day of 19^th October, when I was to rejoice and rejuvenate my existence a little. Taking a day off from all my work as a reward, I finally had time to listen to my body. I realized I am abnormally lethargic and sleepy. I was nauseous too and, hallelujah, my XS Sapphire shirt did kinda feel extra small on me. OH SHIZ. It dawned upon me that it’s been a while since I had had my period.

To make doodh ka doodh and paani ka paani, husband missed his gym after work and returned with 2 home pregnancy tests. When I presented him with 2 red strips on both, he presented me with the following sentence: “You know that role in Switzerland? I got it.”

I sat there holding my head, recognizing that the meaning of this moment was 2-pronged. Pehli baat to ye thi ke Mashallah se, I was pregnant, that too, 7 weeks, that too, by mistake. It’s not that I didn’t want a second child; in fact, I did very much. But I was holding it off because of my broken back. I had had severe back pain since November, 2015, but had discovered the slip disc just a few months ago and was getting various treatments, which were failing one after another. I was on new pain killers and was doing very strenuous strength building yoga to manage the pain. With this exercise routine and painkillers, I couldn’t have been pregnant. Pregnancy meant not being able to sleep on my stomach, the only position of pain-relief. A new baby meant sitting down for indefinite periods for breastfeeding, which was petrifying as I was not, and still am not, able to sit pain free. Simple activities like watching TV while sitting on a sofa or chilling in my bed with my laptop are, for me, luxuries. I have had to counsel myself everyday to be strong and keep living my normal life. On bad days, I have actually lost the will to live for brief moments but have had to pull myself out of pessimism. And because of this pain and halfway through learning it’s management, I wanted to wait for number 2.

The second change that 19^th October brought with it was the fact that we were moving – again. Not to Lahore this time, but to Europe. Being very used to the Pakistani ways, the thought of being a stay-at-home mom with 2 children and without any help was beyond daunting. This was me, the Europe lover, the traveler, the explorer (I sound like Dora now) terror-stricken by Switzerland. Mein to waisey bhi raai ka pahaar bananay mein maahir hoon, ye sab to aik volcano tha jo aik dam phata. But at the end of the day being in Switzerland was not the problem, not being there was. With the super strict Swiss authorities and a few health factors here and there, today I sit here in Lahore, waiting for the baby, the visa and the day when the children, my husband and I will reunite physically as a family.

Between 19^th October and 30^th December, I packed up my home just 1.5 years after moving back to Karachi. I had to quit my beloved job at the IBA - again. I had to let go of my yoga instructor with whose help I was slowly making progress with my back. I had to quit all medication for pain instantaneously since I was unexpectedly expecting. I didn’t know where my blogging and free lance writing will be going, something that had just taken off and seemed to be doing well. The gham of losing my amazing cook was also killing me a little inside. Aur sonay pe suhaga, fat-days were impending.

But, between 19^th October and 30^th December I prepared myself to not just accept, but to embrace the changes. I don’t want to waste a single moment of my life waiting for ‘better’ times to come – I want to live every moment and extract the goodness even when it seems hard. So, I tried dealing with the changes that followed positively. After careful deliberation, I decided to home school my daughter till we were to be away from Karachi. It is an acute test of my patience but with the help of some cooperative mums and her school, we are making progress and I am actually enjoying watching her climb the ladder of learning. After teaching hundreds of students over my 8-year career in education, tutoring my own child has been the most rewarding. I am still writing for the magazine and adding to my blog. I have taken up part time O level teaching at LGS to keep my thirst for classrooms and Economics somewhat satiated. I am spending all my time with my daughter which has taken our relationship to a whole new level. I indulge in music and regular desi massages. My back doesn’t allow me to sit and read books so I have gotten audio books on my phone which I can enjoy while lying down. And in addition, I have gone all out making myself a pregnancy wardrobe which helps me look and feel good.

When life seems to be going off-track, even if in a good way in the long-run, unpredictability and lack of control over what is going on can be difficult to handle. Losing my job, ending up teaching a kindergarten course to my daughter rather than instructing undergraduates, letting go of pain killers, having to give up my own home and finding space for myself in my parents’ after 8 years of marriage,  and living without my husband who is the heart and soul of me can be overwhelming. In the midst of this roller coaster ride, pep talks with myself and with those who are around me have helped me buck myself up time and again. And finally, at this moment, I feel relaxed, positive, and ready to read a new chapter. After all, “the happiest people don’t have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything.”

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