A LETTER TO MY UNBORN CHILD

I am sitting in bed, trying to cherish the last few hours of having you inside me before you are brought into this world tomorrow (Inshallah). I just put your elder sister to bed after talking about what tomorrow will be like. It's is a big day for her – she has waited anxiously these past 9 months to meet you, her baby sister. She used to beg me to pray for a sister even before I was pregnant with you and when I started expecting you, baba and I actually wished we have a girl this time around as well. He has always had a thing for girls (LOL) and after knowing your sister, I have developed an affinity too! I am excited to be able to hold a little baby again in my arms. I am already in love with you and quite sure I will miss your kicks inside me. But what I have been even more excited about is that Minha will have you, a sister, which is probably the best gift God can give to a girl, a best friend for life.

However, at many points through this pregnancy, people’s statements and reactions have been nothing short of disgusting. Why? Because my second child will also be a girl and the society that you are about to be born into is tainted with a ghastly belief system – it has a suffocating obsession with sons.

A few months back my maalish wali said “Waisey to jo Allah ki marzi, laikin dua to achi hi maangni chahiyay. Iss dafa Allah karey baita ho”, as she massaged my aching legs. I wondered why praying for a son qualifies for being an achi dua and for a daughter it doesn’t. Every faqeer that could notice my tummy said “Allah apko baita de” instead of saying “seyhat aur zindagi wala baccha de”, thinking that the former comment has more chances of making me happy and giving more sadqa. From your sister’s caregiver to your nano’s cook, everyone has showered me with ‘good wishes’ that I have a boy.

But was this dua limited to the people who, unfortunately, were not educated? For who having a son actually means old age security? Well, certainly not. I got unwelcomed reactions from some people in our own family too. “Baita hota to family complete ho jaati, ab to tum baitey ke liye try karo gi.” I got that from some friends too who didn’t say it out loud but their expression said everything on finding out about another girl. And these weird responses at times really did make me feel uncomfortable. Why would the birth of a son mark the completion of my family but that of a daughter will not? Is a girl somehow less complete than a boy? Does a baby girl give less pleasure to her parents? Is it some second degree sort of a present from God? Am I supposed to feel self pity that my second child is a girl as well? Am I supposed to look at you with some sort of disappointment? Do you deserve less love?

No. Never. I want you to know that you are not coming to parents who think of girls being any less than boys. You are coming to a family where you will not be taught that marriage and kids are your ultimate goal in life. You will play football if you want to and bake or paint if that’s what your preference is. You will be taught to be independent and confident. You will be taught to always voice your opinion. You will, if Allah allows, get the education that I would’ve given to a son had I had one.

Thinking like a selfish parent, when I look around, it is actually the daughters who do more for their mum and dad than sons do – that’s what my experience has been. I see daughters bonding with their parents differently than boys – and by that I mean a good different, of course. It is the daughters who are always around in sickness and in health, with their relationship with parents remaining unwavered irrespective of their marital status, social requirements or the amount of work they have at their workplace. In old age, daughters are a bigger emotional support than sons. Yes, I have seen sons being the financers but it’s always the daughter feeding the ailing parent with her hands. In today’s day and age, why is the concept that the male child will provide the resources still lingering? Why can’t a daughter do the same? If, at least, in the educated families, daughters too attend universities and make good money at their workplaces, why is a son needed for insurance? Your baba’s nani lives with your dadi, who has supported her in every way possible – from her financial to her medical and emotional requirements, your dadi has taken care of it all. That’s the example your father and I live with. I find those couples rather unfortunate who do not value their daughters and have a child after child in the quest of producing the chashm o chiraagh of the khandaan. Jab ke beti se zyada roshan koi chiraagh ho nahin sakta. I feel for those daughters who watch their parents love them differently from their brothers.

Even though we don’t know each other yet, I know that along with your sister, you are going to be my strength and my unfailing support. You both are going to be my best friends. I want you to know that IF I do decide to have a third child at some point down the road, it WILL NOT be because I wanted to try for a boy. It will only be if I want to re-experience a baby, because I will be missing little hugs of you and your older sister, I will be missing tiny hands and sweet laughter. As the hours of the night pass, I cannot contain my excitement. I can’t wait for you to join me and your sister for spa dates, nail polish nights, mehndi on chaad raats and a lifetime of incessant nonsense talking!

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