Realization #2: He is as much responsible for the existence of my children as I am.

I did something a little “odd” a few weeks ago – “odd” in the eyes of the Pakistani society to be precise. There was a very special family occasion back home and it was my utmost wish to be there for the celebrations. So, my 6 year old (called Minha) and I travelled to Pakistan while my 11 month old (called Shehrbano) and her father stayed back in Switzerland.

Pakistani khawateen be like: “Kyaaaaaa???????”

Let me explain. In February, I travelled to and back from Pakistan with both my children and to date, I am not quite over the trauma. Bano didn’t sleep for 12 hours straight. Her incessant howls throughout the plane ride made me sweat from those parts of my body where I didn’t even know sweat glands existed. I am sure a lot of fellow passengers would sue me for damages if the option for suing over a crying baby existed. I had to carry her across the airport at Abu Dhabi which gave me shoulder and arm pain for the next 3 months. True story. In the middle of this fiasco, Minha’s unrelenting bathroom and headphone-fixing needs gave me an unwanted crash course of professional juggling. Hence, I was in no mood to go through a nightmarish flight again.

When I had almost decided to not go for the family function in lieu of the scary flight forecast, my very wise (most of the time) husband came up with a grand plan: the baby stays. I was obviously over the moon at the prospect of getting undisturbed sleep after a whole year and the deal was sealed without much argument taking place between us very mature adults.

Now, since I blog, the “big news” was revealed to my Instagram family. The messages and comments of women were multifaceted – they wanted to understand how F agreed to do something like this as well as how I felt while travelling without Bano.

Let’s talk about F’s agreement first. Parenthood for us means we are in it together. With no external help or support, both of us need to contribute equally when it comes to the children. While sharing the diapers, showers, meals, naps and school runs, F knows the children as much as I do. Well…almost. Based on his excellent capabilities of taking care of his ‘own’ children, I have taken a few day trips and a weekend trip on my own already. So, when he came up with his million-dollar idea, I knew it wasn’t something unfathomable.

Agla mauzoo…how the experience was for me. I’d like to describe it as GREAT. During the flight, I didn’t miss Bano one bit. I enjoyed the meal service as well as the entertainment system. Even Minha seemed glad the baby was with baba. “You’re so pleasant this time mama” she said. So, I am pretty sure on the last flight, I resembled one of Khaleesi’s dragons.

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During my time home, I enjoyed not waking up for milk/crying-for-no-reason episodes multiple times in the night. It was refreshing to be able to concentrate on myself for a change, on my clothes, my hair and my makeup. I was able to fully enjoy the seekh kababs and my time with my family instead of dealing with the baby’s jet lag and the guaranteed tummy bug. I even went to the spa twice. Did I miss my little one at all? Of course. I’m a mum. I even had a crying episode. But would I do something like this again? Hell, yes!

To conclude this piece which is getting longer that I thought it will – why is it “odd” if a mother takes such a break? Why was it the talk of the drawing room that I have left my baby back in Switzerland? Kyaaaa? Baap ke paas chorh aai? Jaisey mein kahin sarhak pe phaink aii! In fact, I was glad she was chilling with her dad in the comfort of her home instead of going through the fatigue of travelling.

With reference to the skipped chapter of Reproduction in biology books, if the father is as much responsible for the existence of a child as the mother, then why is childcare the responsibility of the mother alone? Why does the typical saas frown when the pyara beta ‘babysits’ the child? Why do we even use the word ‘babysit’ when the father is in question. We don’t use it for the mother…who basically babysits 24/7. Why is “mein pamper nahin badloon ga” considered okay if the pyara beta says it? Would it be okay if the bahu said the same?

The fact of the matter is that when a couple decides to have a child, the child belongs to the both of them. The diapers, the homeworks and driving-to-bithday-parties are not just the aurat ka kaam. When my husband is alone with the kids, he says he gets to bond with them. And bonding with YOUR children is beautiful, all you lazy daddies out there!

When I came back home and asked F how it was managing the baby without me, he, being a man of a few words, replied: “fit”. And yes…that was it.

This article was written for Weekend Magazine, The Nation, Pakistan.