How an unwarranted attack on Bano's mental health gave me perspective

When you’re an influencer, you have to gulp down the fact that people will consider your public profile a free pass to criticize you, your appearance, lifestyle, choices, parenting, relationships and whatever else they like. Whether you find it fair or unfair, that’s just how it is. While you slowly learn how to let these jibes go, what becomes difficult to take in stride is a negative remark hurled at your children. 

A couple of days ago, a follower, or in other words, a complete stranger, who knows only as much about me as I choose to share on my Instagram blog, commented that Bano is suffering from ADHD (no she wasn’t a pediatrician or a psychologist) and that I should have her checked.

Her remark made me angry. How dare she pass a judgement on my child based on the couple of Bano-based stories she sees per week? You know how mums can be…they can absorb anything but when it comes to their children, they are super protective. However, I chose to maintain my calm.

The truth is that although I find Bano tough to deal with, I never questioned the ‘normalcy’ of her behavior, be it her screams, her tears or her endearing hugs, because they don’t call this stage ‘terrible twos’ for nothing. While every toddler goes through this at varying degrees, children around this age typically oscillate between dependence on adults and a new-born desire to be independent. They say ‘no’ profusely, they cling to you with vehemence, or run away in rage. Temper tantrums also arise, due to the frustration of not being able to communicate what they do or do not want. As lots of mums would DM me saying their toddler behaves just like Bano and that they can totally relate, it would be further corroborated that THIS IS HOW TODDLERS ARE. I know that Inshallah, this difficult phase shall pass.

Hence, the DM that attacked Bano’s mental health was something I just binned without a second thought. Then, came in a DM saying “my child also screams a lot and my family feels I need to show him to a doctor. Would you consider showing Bano to a doctor?”. That got me thinking that not all mothers are perhaps aware about terrible 2s, and if they are, their family members (how very typical of our society) make them believe otherwise. “Iska behavior normal nahin hai. Hamsaaye ka bacha to aisa na karta. Tahira ki beyti to aisey nahin karti. Merey bachay to aisay nahin thay. Isay doctor ko dikhaao”. I can so imagine desi aunties getting an already frazzled, tired mother worried for nothing.

This prompted me to speak to my psychotherapist friend (PF here on), who has been my rescue 911 at multiple occasions. She gave so much clarity as a parent, not just as Bano’s, but Minha’s too. Now I see it all in a whole new light and am, in fact, grateful to that stranger who made me probe into this, only to see that Bano’s personality is actually a blessing for me.

How? Read on.

My PF, very rightly so, pointed out that our in culture, (controlling) parents and family members expect too much from toddlers. He must eat without making a mess, must not take off shoes, must not dirty the sofas and walls, must speak politely to elders, must not be noisy, must listen to elders and the list goes on. We have made our own definitions of what a NORMAL CHILD SHOULD BE LIKE. If a child doesn’t fit this mould, then the comparison begins with other toddlers, who perhaps are not going through terrible 2s to such a degree. And the conclusion is reached that the child needs to see a doctor that can help him/her ‘correct’ his/her behavior.

In the constant correction and admonishment, desi parents end up not allowing the child to express him/herself, so much so that they end up killing parts of the personality a child is born with. We don’t allow our children to explore and view the world the way they like, and passively teach them that they need to always please people. While growing up, the child worries so much about ‘ammi abbu naraz ho jaein gay, log kya kaheingay’ that as an adult, the child is incapable of voicing his/her opinion, stand up for him/herself or doing things to make him/herself happy. Everything is about ‘log’ and satisfying them. What a pity that unknowingly, we don’t allow our children to blossom and bloom to their true potential. We raise them to be timid, indecisive adults. We destroy their personalities by telling them “don’t do what you want to do, do what everyone else wants you to do”. If they are being bullied, they will not be able to speak up for themselves. We stunt their creativity. As parents, we do a disservice to them.

It breaks my heart to realize that.

According to my PF, toddlers like Bano, who are very sure about their likes and dislikes, grow up to be autonomous, creative, and clear what they want from life. They listen to their feelings and choose to do what’s best for them, without worrying about ‘log kya kaheingay’. Research shows that children whose parents avoid being ‘helicopters’ have more resource to deal with different situations as adults. Imposing parents end up with children that have issues, often needing therapy to heal themselves.

As I listened to my PF’s response, I realized Bano is born with the qualities that I work so hard on with Minha, who is mostly unable to defend herself or say ‘no’ in school or a playground. What else do I want more than to have a daughter who naturally is strong is able to speak up for herself?!

When I think back, I have had fewer expectations as a parent from Bano as compared to Minha. I have been more accepting of the fact that she is a child and it is her job to turn the house and my brain upside down. If she dirties the white sofa with her meals, it is MY fault that I chose white fabric. If Bano grabs my lipstick and breaks it, it is MY fault that I left it in the open. If Bano is having an ice cream, I cannot expect that she won’t stain her jacket. I want her to enjoy it, I want to enjoy watching her, and once home, I want to patiently throw the jacket in the laundry without making it a big deal. After speaking to a qualified, practicing therapist, my resolve to continue being that kind of a parent is stronger than ever. I want to allow Bano to grow up as a ‘free child’ so that as an adult, she’s strong and brave enough to face the world. Having said that, I want to continue working on Minha, allowing her the freedom to be herself and maybe asking Bano to give her a couple of tips in the future, haha!

My purpose of sharing this blog post is to tell all mums whose children are labelled as ‘not normal’ to relax. The symptoms of terrible 2s and ADHD are SO similar that it is TOO SOON to make conclusive remarks about a child. Your 3-year-old cannot be expected to sit like a soldier. If your extended family members expect that from him, the problem lies with THEM.

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