#confessionsonsafarnamay: Mein uskay baghair mukammal aur mutmaeen hoon.

It was a rainy morning. Tears rolled down my face as I looked out of the window, watching the grey sky pour. The tears this time were not of a broken heart, or lack of decisiveness, or of being let down again. This time, they were tears of contentment, because finally, this morning, I woke up with clarity. I had decided. I wanted a divorce.

It was an arranged marriage. The families were happy. My impression of him was based on meeting him just once before our wedding and he seemed like a decent person. I was very young and willing to mould myself.

Soon after the wedding, red flags began to appear. However, I attributed incidents like not going on a honeymoon or not being allowed to go out alone to the 7 year age gap between us. He never abused me physically, but he never took care of my needs. He gave me space but never made me feel loved. He never asked me for money in so many words, but he casually stole from my wallet. He never became a stone in the path of my career but he never wanted to work either. He never disrespected my parents but laid a bad eye on someone very close to me. I knew that he was in touch with an ex and at times, uncomfortably friendly with other females.

For a long time, I didn't think he is a bad person. But he made mistakes, he made tons of them and I kept forgiving. I wanted to give it my all. I thought I loved him. I didn’t want the label of a divorcee. But I wasn’t able to look towards him for anything. It took me a long time to be able to differentiate between ‘mistakes’ and ‘habits’. A person can apologize for mistakes and not repeat them. But a person cannot do much to re-weave the fabric of his nature.

As time passed, I started losing respect for and trust in him. He once left me at my parents’ house, saying that he will be travelling for business, only for me to discover later that he never left the city. He would brag about a business that didn’t exist. It was awkward for me that he was financially dependent on his father. On the other hand, I supported not just myself but also spent on our vacations and other requirements. As I contemplated whether I should take this relationship further, we got our immigration. Since we had been waiting for that to materialize for a long time, I decided to give ‘us’ another chance, based on his commitment of seeking professional therapy. He went back on his words later though, and I wasn’t even surprised this time.

The weak walls of love within which I lived began to shatter. I wasn’t looking for a ‘perfect fairytale marriage’ but I was definitely in search of my happy place. This wasn’t it. His jokes stopped making me laugh. Intimacy became an emotionless chore. His face became a canvas of lies. As the cycle of mistakes and forgiveness repeated itself, I felt physically and emotionally drained. I would always say to myself “chalo, kam se kam wo mujhay maarta to nahin”. Par waqt guzarnay ke saath mujhay ehsaas hoa mein itni gai guzri to nahin ke agar uski khaamiyon ki fehrsat mein haath uthana shaamil nahin, to mein uski tamaam kotaahiyon se samjhota karoon.

As I saw my marriage cripple, I felt I lost a part of me. But I thank the Almighty that I didn’t lose my complete self on this journey. I realized that there are other things that make me happy, other relationships that add value to my life. I was happy at work, when I travelled, when I spent time with my loved ones, when I connected with God. I realized that we are not made for each other. He was incorrigible and I didn’t want to be miserable anymore. His definition of right and wrong was different from mine and I was done trying to accept that.

I have no regrets that I decided to bid farewell to a relationship that once meant so much to me. I am happy that Allah made me realize that divorce is detestable in His eyes, yet it is allowed for the right reasons. I am happy that my decision to walk out of my marriage wasn’t hasty like the decision to walk into the marriage. I took 6 long years to decide. I am thankful to Allah for all the hardships He gave me for each one of them contributed to my strength.

To all the beautiful souls out there who are struggling in their relationships, know that you and your mental peace are important. Give chances, for everyone makes mistakes. Laikin ghalti aur khaslat mein tameez karna bhi seekho. Divorce is not a small deal, but do remember that it is as big a deal as YOU make it. Don’t be afraid of decision making and change. Every big decision (whether it’s the decision of walking out of a relationship or staying after a rough patch) is a new beginning and trust me, new beginnings are always great!

By Anonymous.

This story has been illustrated by Art By Benazir. You can check out more of her work here.

Realisation #6: The best gift you can give to a child is a happy mum.

When you’re a working mum, the possibility that mom guilt gets the best of you every now and then is high. We’re mums. We’re women. That’s just how our DNA is built. Spending the entire day out for work tends to make us feel like we haven’t been there enough for our children. And dare we step out for an emotional retreat post work, that bears the final blow to our mommy hearts.

I went back to work only 2.5 months after Minha was born. I was craving to be back in that stimulating environment. I used to be up at nights with her, like any other mom with an infant, but making it for my 7:30 am class was my way of holding on to my individuality. Doing what I loved, which was teaching, rejuvenated me. I worked till the last month of both my pregnancies because my work always makes me happy. Albeit now, it’s my blog and not teaching.

Would Minha be more looked after had I not gone back to work after her birth? Would I have been a better mum to Bano had I not been thinking what to write about next on my blog? Would I have been able to make my home a happier place had there been no career to pursue for me? No, no and no.

Here’s what I keep in mind to chuck that ‘mom guilt’ out of my system every time it knocks on my door.

•   Quality > quantity. Now that I am a stay at home mum, I don’t feel I am able to achieve anything extra with my kids. When your kids are in your face 24/7, every moment spent is not an epitome of love and learning. If you spend your day at the office, come back and cover up for what you have missed. Hug, cuddle, kiss, have your meal together, talk about the day and go over the homework, and have best of both worlds.

• When you step out to work, there is a LOT you’re teaching your kids. You teach them how money doesn’t grow on trees and you have to work hard to earn it. When you stay back to prepare for a Monday presentation as the rest of the family goes out for lunch on Sunday, you teach your children good work ethics. You break away from gender roles and teach your kids that mama and baba both contribute towards running the house. You also teach that a house doesn’t need a male head to be run; it works even better when 2 partners are running it together.

• Your kids look up to you when they see you looking fresh, determined and ready to take on the world. Minha has always valued my teaching, my writing and now my blogging. She thinks I am “famous and very successful” and she goes around her school saying that, LoL.

• You teach your children to be more independent when they spend a few hours away from you. They learn to cope with small issues on their own, which really is a life skill you’re equipping them with. When mama is around less, there’s less spoon-feeding and entitlement.

• It’s all about what your kids are used to. Minha has grown up seeing me on my laptop. So, when I have it open, she knows mama is working and must not be disturbed. As opposed to this, my mum never went out to work and we were used to having her around us all the time. To date, if she steps out even for a small errand or to see a friend, everyone including us, our dad, the dogs and the house help feel paralyzed.

• “Kaam pe jao gi to bacchay tum se waisey pyaar nahin karein gay” Is the biggest piece of BS ever. Your kids are YOUR kids, and you going to work cannot turn them into someone else’s. They will always love you the same. Your relationship with your kids is what you believe and make it to be. So, if those aunties try to get you all emotional by saying this, tell them “you know nothing, Aunty Snow”.

• Being financially independent is always a plus. Not just for your self esteem but also for your relationship and for your home. Matlab, baat saaf si hai. Zamana hai mehngaai ka. And if you’re earning for yourself, you can fulfil your choti choti khwashishein AND chip in for the bigger expenses of your home. Of course, how and where you decide to spend your money depends on your home requirements, but it gives you a LOT of azaadi and mental peace.

• You need to know that you’re not the ONLY parent. Your husband is as much responsible for your children as you are. Your partner needs to understand that you cannot miss a meeting just like he can’t. So, on days you’re running late, he takes the child to the birthday party and vice versa.

In conclusion, the fact of life is that a happy mum is a happy home. And what makes a mum happy is something that SHE decides, whether that is staying home or going out to work. When you go out every day in the pursuit of your dreams and return home feeling accomplished, you’re able to cater to your family with a smile. Remember that being a working parent is a CHOICE that YOU make. Sometimes, you will miss a playdate. Sometimes, you will miss a meeting. You have to strive to strike the right balance. So, given that you’re leaving your kids in safe hands while you’re at work, a grandparent, a reliable nanny, a day care, after school care, take a deep breath, sit back, and know that your kids will, Inshallah, do just fine. And, so will you.

#confessionsonsafarnamay: Mein talaaq yaafta hoon, kamzor nahin.

When I returned from England with a medical post graduate degree to marry my suitor, my father could never imagine the kind of life I was about to begin. The man who seemed to be the perfect match for me, who seemed to respect not just me but my idea of pursuing a career as a doctor after marriage, my choice of clothes and my choice of friends, turned out to be the complete opposite.

Domestic violence began soon after my marriage. I was hit and beaten up within the confines of my bedroom. Abuses were hurled at me as my in laws witnessed the scene. My character was questioned. I was not free to drive, to work, or even freely meet my own brother. I was woken up at 5 am in the morning to manage all the house chores, from washing the toilets to cooking the meals, single-handedly. The house help was kicked out because my in laws now had me as an unpaid servant.The man who vowed to protect me could not control his hands or his tongue even after I started expecting his child. Tired and exhausted, when I wasn’t able to fulfill his physical needs at night, he would lose his temper.

Life did not stop testing me even after my delivery. My precious little daughter was born with a condition called Patent Ductus Arteriosus. The doctor asked me to nurture her with utmost care as any form of infection could lead to heart complications and prove fatal for her. With the house chores already taking a toll on me, I now had the added responsibility of taking care of a new born who had a special condition. There were times when I wanted to give up, but I gathered every ounce of strength from my being to keep my marriage intact for for my girl. I wanted her to have a complete life with both her mother and her father to look after and protect her.

In all this time, the physical and emotional abuse continued. I wanted to keep this from my parents, who, I felt, will not be able to deal with the trauma that their daughter is not happy in her marriage. One day, as my husband lost his temper, he slapped me in front of our daughter, who was just two. She began to cry in horror. That was my tipping point. I decided I cannot continue living with a man who not just disrespects me, but also does not care about what kind of a environment he is giving his daughter to grow up in. 

I left for my parents house and told them everything. They wished I had taken them into confidence before. They said they can deal with my home breaking, but they cannot bear my self respect being shredded into pieces, day after day, in front of their grandchild. With their support, I filed for divorce.

From that day on, I decided to be strong for my daughter. She started school and I began a job as well as private practice. I have never asked for a penny from my ex-husband, who turned out to be a bigger jerk than I thought he was. Perhaps, zaalim is the right word for him. He broke all ties with his own flesh and blood by sending me a legal document, stating that she has no claim to his property. With the passage of time I have been able to heal my heart but I have not been able to forgive him. Today, my life revolves around my beautiful daughter, who, by the grace of God, is free from PDA. I am financially independent and can afford to support myself and her. Together, we take vacations, watch movies, order in pizzas and enjoy life to the fullest. When I smile, I do it with honesty, I do it with all my heart, because I have nothing holding me back from being happy.

Yes, a good partner can make life heaven for you. But a partner that physically and emotionally abuses you makes life a living hell. Aisay mard ke saharay se acha hai aurat apna sahara khud banay. My heart goes out to my parents who understood my pain and supported me at every step of the way. Had they been stuck in ‘logon ko kya jawaab dein gay’, I’d still be hiding my bruises from the world. And my daughter……I don’t even want to begin thinking how a disturbed childhood would have affected her personality and mental development. I am happy I realized that when a woman decides to be strong, she can be an iron-lady.

By Anonymous.

This story has been illustrated by Remal Thoughts. You can check out more of her work here.