Realisation #6: The best gift you can give to a child is a happy mum.

When you’re a working mum, the possibility that mom guilt gets the best of you every now and then is high. We’re mums. We’re women. That’s just how our DNA is built. Spending the entire day out for work tends to make us feel like we haven’t been there enough for our children. And dare we step out for an emotional retreat post work, that bears the final blow to our mommy hearts.

I went back to work only 2.5 months after Minha was born. I was craving to be back in that stimulating environment. I used to be up at nights with her, like any other mom with an infant, but making it for my 7:30 am class was my way of holding on to my individuality. Doing what I loved, which was teaching, rejuvenated me. I worked till the last month of both my pregnancies because my work always makes me happy. Albeit now, it’s my blog and not teaching.

Would Minha be more looked after had I not gone back to work after her birth? Would I have been a better mum to Bano had I not been thinking what to write about next on my blog? Would I have been able to make my home a happier place had there been no career to pursue for me? No, no and no.

Here’s what I keep in mind to chuck that ‘mom guilt’ out of my system every time it knocks on my door.

•   Quality > quantity. Now that I am a stay at home mum, I don’t feel I am able to achieve anything extra with my kids. When your kids are in your face 24/7, every moment spent is not an epitome of love and learning. If you spend your day at the office, come back and cover up for what you have missed. Hug, cuddle, kiss, have your meal together, talk about the day and go over the homework, and have best of both worlds.

• When you step out to work, there is a LOT you’re teaching your kids. You teach them how money doesn’t grow on trees and you have to work hard to earn it. When you stay back to prepare for a Monday presentation as the rest of the family goes out for lunch on Sunday, you teach your children good work ethics. You break away from gender roles and teach your kids that mama and baba both contribute towards running the house. You also teach that a house doesn’t need a male head to be run; it works even better when 2 partners are running it together.

• Your kids look up to you when they see you looking fresh, determined and ready to take on the world. Minha has always valued my teaching, my writing and now my blogging. She thinks I am “famous and very successful” and she goes around her school saying that, LoL.

• You teach your children to be more independent when they spend a few hours away from you. They learn to cope with small issues on their own, which really is a life skill you’re equipping them with. When mama is around less, there’s less spoon-feeding and entitlement.

• It’s all about what your kids are used to. Minha has grown up seeing me on my laptop. So, when I have it open, she knows mama is working and must not be disturbed. As opposed to this, my mum never went out to work and we were used to having her around us all the time. To date, if she steps out even for a small errand or to see a friend, everyone including us, our dad, the dogs and the house help feel paralyzed.

• “Kaam pe jao gi to bacchay tum se waisey pyaar nahin karein gay” Is the biggest piece of BS ever. Your kids are YOUR kids, and you going to work cannot turn them into someone else’s. They will always love you the same. Your relationship with your kids is what you believe and make it to be. So, if those aunties try to get you all emotional by saying this, tell them “you know nothing, Aunty Snow”.

• Being financially independent is always a plus. Not just for your self esteem but also for your relationship and for your home. Matlab, baat saaf si hai. Zamana hai mehngaai ka. And if you’re earning for yourself, you can fulfil your choti choti khwashishein AND chip in for the bigger expenses of your home. Of course, how and where you decide to spend your money depends on your home requirements, but it gives you a LOT of azaadi and mental peace.

• You need to know that you’re not the ONLY parent. Your husband is as much responsible for your children as you are. Your partner needs to understand that you cannot miss a meeting just like he can’t. So, on days you’re running late, he takes the child to the birthday party and vice versa.

In conclusion, the fact of life is that a happy mum is a happy home. And what makes a mum happy is something that SHE decides, whether that is staying home or going out to work. When you go out every day in the pursuit of your dreams and return home feeling accomplished, you’re able to cater to your family with a smile. Remember that being a working parent is a CHOICE that YOU make. Sometimes, you will miss a playdate. Sometimes, you will miss a meeting. You have to strive to strike the right balance. So, given that you’re leaving your kids in safe hands while you’re at work, a grandparent, a reliable nanny, a day care, after school care, take a deep breath, sit back, and know that your kids will, Inshallah, do just fine. And, so will you.