#confessionsonsafarnamay: Mein uskay baghair mukammal aur mutmaeen hoon.

It was a rainy morning. Tears rolled down my face as I looked out of the window, watching the grey sky pour. The tears this time were not of a broken heart, or lack of decisiveness, or of being let down again. This time, they were tears of contentment, because finally, this morning, I woke up with clarity. I had decided. I wanted a divorce.

It was an arranged marriage. The families were happy. My impression of him was based on meeting him just once before our wedding and he seemed like a decent person. I was very young and willing to mould myself.

Soon after the wedding, red flags began to appear. However, I attributed incidents like not going on a honeymoon or not being allowed to go out alone to the 7 year age gap between us. He never abused me physically, but he never took care of my needs. He gave me space but never made me feel loved. He never asked me for money in so many words, but he casually stole from my wallet. He never became a stone in the path of my career but he never wanted to work either. He never disrespected my parents but laid a bad eye on someone very close to me. I knew that he was in touch with an ex and at times, uncomfortably friendly with other females.

For a long time, I didn't think he is a bad person. But he made mistakes, he made tons of them and I kept forgiving. I wanted to give it my all. I thought I loved him. I didn’t want the label of a divorcee. But I wasn’t able to look towards him for anything. It took me a long time to be able to differentiate between ‘mistakes’ and ‘habits’. A person can apologize for mistakes and not repeat them. But a person cannot do much to re-weave the fabric of his nature.

As time passed, I started losing respect for and trust in him. He once left me at my parents’ house, saying that he will be travelling for business, only for me to discover later that he never left the city. He would brag about a business that didn’t exist. It was awkward for me that he was financially dependent on his father. On the other hand, I supported not just myself but also spent on our vacations and other requirements. As I contemplated whether I should take this relationship further, we got our immigration. Since we had been waiting for that to materialize for a long time, I decided to give ‘us’ another chance, based on his commitment of seeking professional therapy. He went back on his words later though, and I wasn’t even surprised this time.

The weak walls of love within which I lived began to shatter. I wasn’t looking for a ‘perfect fairytale marriage’ but I was definitely in search of my happy place. This wasn’t it. His jokes stopped making me laugh. Intimacy became an emotionless chore. His face became a canvas of lies. As the cycle of mistakes and forgiveness repeated itself, I felt physically and emotionally drained. I would always say to myself “chalo, kam se kam wo mujhay maarta to nahin”. Par waqt guzarnay ke saath mujhay ehsaas hoa mein itni gai guzri to nahin ke agar uski khaamiyon ki fehrsat mein haath uthana shaamil nahin, to mein uski tamaam kotaahiyon se samjhota karoon.

As I saw my marriage cripple, I felt I lost a part of me. But I thank the Almighty that I didn’t lose my complete self on this journey. I realized that there are other things that make me happy, other relationships that add value to my life. I was happy at work, when I travelled, when I spent time with my loved ones, when I connected with God. I realized that we are not made for each other. He was incorrigible and I didn’t want to be miserable anymore. His definition of right and wrong was different from mine and I was done trying to accept that.

I have no regrets that I decided to bid farewell to a relationship that once meant so much to me. I am happy that Allah made me realize that divorce is detestable in His eyes, yet it is allowed for the right reasons. I am happy that my decision to walk out of my marriage wasn’t hasty like the decision to walk into the marriage. I took 6 long years to decide. I am thankful to Allah for all the hardships He gave me for each one of them contributed to my strength.

To all the beautiful souls out there who are struggling in their relationships, know that you and your mental peace are important. Give chances, for everyone makes mistakes. Laikin ghalti aur khaslat mein tameez karna bhi seekho. Divorce is not a small deal, but do remember that it is as big a deal as YOU make it. Don’t be afraid of decision making and change. Every big decision (whether it’s the decision of walking out of a relationship or staying after a rough patch) is a new beginning and trust me, new beginnings are always great!

By Anonymous.

This story has been illustrated by Art By Benazir. You can check out more of her work here.