They're Ready to Make a
Chutney Out of You
Pregnancy is not the best time of your life. Unless you’re
Kareena Kapoor, you’re feeling ugly and probably getting dark, splotchy spots
on your face. You are expanding at an exponential rate and none of your old
clothes fit you. The trips to the doctor, feeling nauseous all the time, hating
your husband or the world in general, the constant need to pee, that dry, itchy
abdomen and those sleepless nights – God it is tough for pregnant women.
BUT, lo and behold, there are many aunties around you to
make sure they rub some salt, and drizzle a bit of lemon, on all your zakhms. That’s one grand gift you
receive as soon as they hear you’re expecting and start showering you with
various naseehats and patay ki baats. Here are some of the
aunty comments you don’t want to hear when you’re pregnant.
1. “Haye tumhari shakal kitni kaali lag rahi hai, zaroor beta hoga”
Thanks. I was already feeling sad and ugly. Am I now supposed
to hold back my tears till you leave?
2. “Ab to do logon ke liye khana parhey ga”
No, dude. My child is the size of a pea right now and will
slowly grow as big as an orange and eventually a watermelon. That is no way comparable
to a grown person. So I’d like to stick to eating healthy and eating in the
quantities I want to. Of course, I will be consulting with the doctor regularly
to keep my baby’s weight in check.
3. “Khaney mein dheyr saara ghee dalwaao, delivery mein asaani hogi”
That oil, aunty dearest, is just going to accumulate as fat
in my body. It will not sit in my body hoping to miraculously turn into a
lubricant when I am pushing the baby out. The delivery is going to be hard and that’s
it. I might consider an epidural to make life easier though.
4. “beta dupatta peyt pe daal ke baahir nikalna, warna acha nahin lagta”
I am having a baby, not hiding a bomb in there. Naturally my
tummy is going to grow in size. Why do I need to hide it? I am already huge and
don’t want to look like a freaking tent. And plus, I am not the first preggers
on earth.
5. “naariyal paani peyo, baccha gora paida hoga”
I want a healthy baby, not a gora baby. If my husband and I carry the fair & lovely genes
then the child will fulfill your dreams automatically. And unfortunately, if we
are both not gora then the chances are
that my child will not live up to your fair expectations. Need my grade 8 bio
notes by the way?
6. “bass ab chalna phirna band”
Yeah. So that I become an elephant. It is encouraged by
doctors to be active and keeping busy during pregnancy. Of course, you need to
listen to your body and rest when you feel the need but there is no reason to
quit your job, quit doing harmless chores around the house and act like a
princess. Chances are that your lounging will lead to you gaining weight faster
than in your nightmares. And the ghee you want to feed me will
kinda make it worse.
7. “ab to khaney ka license mil gaya hai, jo chaho khao”
I am going to give into my cravings by all means, but please
don’t say it’s time to gobble down 2 parathas in one go. If I am hungry, I
shall eat but I shall eat healthy. I plan to choose normal roti or
multigrain bread over daily doses of parathas. I plan to pick fruit chaat over
fruit cream. I wil have my almonds and cashews and avoid empty calories like
cookies. After all it will be you coming crashing down on my weight the instant
the baby is out. So yeah, I’d like to stick to the 30 pounds a woman is
supposed to gain during pregnancy and nothing more.
8. “chalo ab gym jana to band karo, iss haalat mein ye sab nahin kartey”
Decades of research by the brightest minds on the planet have proven that being active and agile will make my pregnancy easier. Gyms and fitness studios across the country have customized programmes for your age, weight, injuries, AND pregnancy status. But yes, let me give in to your infinite wisdom and turn into a sofey ka aloo.
9. “mein wazeefa bataaoon gi takey beta ho”
Aunty, I am going to pray to Allah Mian for a physically and
mentally healthy baby who will hopefully grow up into a half decent human
being. And that will be the extent of my intervention into the divine. Plus, what if my ultrasound has already revealed that I am having a girl? What now, aunty?
10. “mian se ab door hi rehna, baby ke liye theek nahin hai”
In other words, please practice celibacy? For the love of
God, why? Unless my doctor has told me not to, there is no reason for me to
stay away from my husband. Having sex cannot reach, touch or harm my baby. I
have done my research on it. I will be careful though. So don’t worry.
These aunties, I tell you.
* This story has been published on mangobaaz.com
These aunties, I tell you.
* This story has been published on mangobaaz.com
All these comments are so damn accurate! especially the gora baby and beta type stuff! these aunties I tell you, they'll poke their noses into every matter of yours.first they'll be concerned why aren't you getting pregnant, then betaaa hona chahye and when the baby comes they're concerned about the next one!
ReplyDelete