Sunday, 27 October 2019

Farhat Ishtiaq on Ye Dil Mera, the backlash and more.


Ye Dil Mera, the much awaited Ahad Raza Mir and Sajal Aly starrer drama serial, is about to premiere on TV and has already generated much controversy. As soon as the first teaser was released, social media was set on fire. The scene that portrayed a ‘handsome, young boss’ asking inappropriate questions in his office while interviewing a female candidate was not well received. It seemed that the play is romanticizing workplace harassment.



While some would argue that it is unfair to ‘cancel’ a play even before the first episode has aired, many would say that women who have been a victim of workplace (or any other form) of harassment will find it enough of a trigger to anger and frustrate them. In the current global climate where more and more women are finding the courage to come out with their truths, and yet most are being silenced by victim blaming, the backlash is, to say the least, natural and expected.

On seeing the promo, my heart was divided. I have been an ardent fan that has admired Farhat Ishtiaq’s powerful writing for a long time. On my blog, I have also spoken about personal experiences of being sexually harassed by a stranger on the street, by a colleague, and by a doctor. I felt that in order to find my answers, I must speak to the writer herself, who was awarded ‘Best Writer’ accolades for Udaari, a play that aimed to create awareness about sexual harassment of children in Pakistan.

I am sharing what she had to say about the criticism received as well as some of the other questions I asked about the serial. You are free to form your own opinions based on her take.

Me: When the first teaser of Ye Dil Mera was released, on one hand, the public excitement was immeasurable. Sajal and Ahad were coming together for the first time in a play as a real-life couple. It was a Farhat Ishtiaq story once again. It seemed like a revisit to the YKS days. On the other hand, there was a severe backlash on social media as the storyline of the play was interpreted to be one based on workplace harassment. What would you like to say about that?

Farhat Ishtiaq: Anyone who has followed my plays on screen or has read my novels would know that I am a proud feminist as well as a supporter of the ‘Me Too’ movement. As a woman and as a Pakistani, I am well aware of the kind of harassment females go through on a daily basis, inside as well as outside of home. As a story writer, I never compromise on the dignity of my female lead. If you go back to Khirad in Humsafar, even in her silence, she was a strong girl. Her situation may have made her weak, but when it came to her self-respect, she didn’t compromise. You will see that even in Ye Mera Dil, the respect of the female lead will not be compromised.

As a nation, we are emotional. In a minute, we put someone up on the highest pedestal and without wasting a moment, we take away that position. A ‘teaser’ for a play is meant to ‘tease’ the audience and gain their attention. The audience will only understand the scenario or the context of that scene under question when they get watch the play once it airs. The public is then free to appreciate or criticize. I will respect the feedback.

I would also like to add that the public has not just scene my work, they have scene the work of the entire team before. Just by watching a teaser, starting a movement of backlash on social media is a little bit of a ‘ziaadati’. Once the play airs and the misunderstandings are clear, I would like to see whether those who criticized me on social media as a story writer will admit their mistake as openly. When the first teaser came out, the audience wasn’t even ware of the genre. The scene under question is not my plot, not even my sub plot. When you’re building a story that is a romantic thriller, some characters WILL be dark or grey. You need such characters to build the suspense. And for that reason, not all characters can be positive. I am hoping that the audience will eventually find the characters to be deep and will be able to connect with them. As the drama unfolds, they will understand why a certain character reacted in a certain way.


Me: Where did you find the inspiration to write a play in the genre of ‘romantic thriller’?

Farhat Ishtiaq: I drew the inspiration to include grey characters in a story laced with suspense from real life people that I have come across in my life. I have seen that people who go through some kind of an emotional trauma in their childhood often carry the burden of it throughout their life. The past keeps coming back to haunt them and that baggage negatively affects the relationships they form in their adulthood. The characters of Sajal, Ahad and Adnan Siddiqui will shed light on this side of human behavior. The very fact that I have had the experience of interacting such people in my life helped me create situations and characters which are so close to reality.

Me: If not Sajal Aly and Ahad Raza Mir for the play, then who else?

Farhat Ishtiaq: Both Sajal and and Ahad have done such tremendous jobs in their own roles that I cannot imagine anyone else doing this serial. The intensity you see in Amaan’s (Ahad’s character) eyes or the fear you see on Noor ul Ain’s (Sajal’s character) face is just amazing. I am extremely happy with the choice of actors!

Me: Your favourite character in the play?

Farhat Ishtiaq: It is not just my stories that are my babies, it is also the characters. While writing a story, I live the life of each character with them. I cry with them, I laugh with them, and I feel extremely close to each one of them. Hence, to pick a favourite from them is not possible.

Me: Your favourite dialogue from Ye Dil Mera?

Farhat Ishtiaq: Let me admit that this is the first time people don’t already know the story of my play. Usually, when my plays are based on my novels, people know what will happen beforehand. But this time, reading about the predictions based on promos people are making on social media is a lot of fun! I can’t say which one is my favourite dialogue because if I share that, I will reveal too much about the story. So, let’s wait for the play to end then we can get together for another interview (haha!).

Me: How are Noor ul Ain and Amaan different from Zubia and Dr. Asfandyar?

Farhat Ishtiaq: I would say that Zubia and Asfi are the complete opposites of Noor and Amaan. For Amaan, I would like to add that there will be times when people will love him, sometimes they will feel angry and sometimes they will feel sorry for him. But, no one will be able to hate it. People will be able to understand his reactions.

Me: For the sake of asking you a lighter question, why did Sajal Aly come so dressed up and wearing ‘jhumkas’ for a professional job interview? Also, how much of a contribution does the writer have when it comes to the wardrobe of characters for particular scenes?

Farhat Ishtiaq: Well, if it were me, I would have maybe INCREASED the size of the jhumkas, haha! I would even throw in a necklace to my look! When you will see the play, you will understand why she was dressed up in that attire.

As far as the contribution of the writer goes, each character is a product of the mind of the writer. What the characters wear, how much makeup they use, how they talk and how they carry themselves, all comes out of the writer’s imagination. Translating that on screen is the responsibility of the director and giving them life is then done by the artists. I feel the team has done a beautiful job while trying to achieve that.



Me: We can see from the promos that a large chunk of the play is shot in the Northern Areas of Pakistan. Was that a requirement of the story?

Farhat Ishtiaq: Yes, the location has a huge impact on setting the mood of the audience and the backdrop plays a great role in creating the right ambiance on screen. For my story, I needed a cottage in a mountainous area that gives a haunted vibe as a shooting location. I must add here that the production team scouted just the right places to make scenes of my imagination a reality. Our producer, Momina Duraid, never compromises on the requirements of the writer, even if it means stretching the budget. Last year, when the team went to the North to dig out shooting locations and shared photos with me, I was beyond impressed by the wonderful job they did. Darya Bagh, the place which you will see in the play, is exactly how I imagined it to be. They shot in extreme temperatures just to stay true to the feel of my scenes and I couldn’t be happier.

Me: Yaqeen Ka Safar was a super duper hit play. When it ended, people missed it for weeks on Wednesday evenings. The public demanded a sequel. Now that another one of your plays is about to air with the same team and cast, do you feel any sort of pressure about meeting everyone’s expectations?

Farhat Ishtiaq: Well, you can say that once I am done writing a serial and it is about to air, I feel just like a student who has put in all her effort while preparing, but is nervous on the day of her exam. The pressure is not because of the same team, I would have felt it even if I were working with a different set of people. How this project will be received by the audience is something only Allah knows. But I sure do hope that the public loves it as much as the love we have put in to bring this serial to them. It is a play that will be packed with emotions. I pray that people are able to connect with the story just like they did in YKS, Hamsafar, Diyar e Dil and Udaari.

Wednesday, 2 October 2019

How an unwarranted attack on Bano's mental health gave me perspective



When you’re an influencer, you have to gulp down the fact that people will consider your public profile a free pass to criticize you, your appearance, lifestyle, choices, parenting, relationships and whatever else they like. Whether you find it fair or unfair, that’s just how it is. While you slowly learn how to let these jibes go, what becomes difficult to take in stride is a negative remark hurled at your children. 

A couple of days ago, a follower, or in other words, a complete stranger, who knows only as much about me as I choose to share on my Instagram blog, commented that Bano is suffering from ADHD (no she wasn’t a pediatrician or a psychologist) and that I should have her checked.

Her remark made me angry. How dare she pass a judgement on my child based on the couple of Bano-based stories she sees per week? You know how mums can be…they can absorb anything but when it comes to their children, they are super protective. However, I chose to maintain my calm.



The truth is that although I find Bano tough to deal with, I never questioned the ‘normalcy’ of her behavior, be it her screams, her tears or her endearing hugs, because they don’t call this stage ‘terrible twos’ for nothing. While every toddler goes through this at varying degrees, children around this age typically oscillate between dependence on adults and a new-born desire to be independent. They say ‘no’ profusely, they cling to you with vehemence, or run away in rage. Temper tantrums also arise, due to the frustration of not being able to communicate what they do or do not want. As lots of mums would DM me saying their toddler behaves just like Bano and that they can totally relate, it would be further corroborated that THIS IS HOW TODDLERS ARE. I know that Inshallah, this difficult phase shall pass.

Hence, the DM that attacked Bano’s mental health was something I just binned without a second thought. Then, came in a DM saying “my child also screams a lot and my family feels I need to show him to a doctor. Would you consider showing Bano to a doctor?”. That got me thinking that not all mothers are perhaps aware about terrible 2s, and if they are, their family members (how very typical of our society) make them believe otherwise. “Iska behavior normal nahin hai. Hamsaaye ka bacha to aisa na karta. Tahira ki beyti to aisey nahin karti. Merey bachay to aisay nahin thay. Isay doctor ko dikhaao”. I can so imagine desi aunties getting an already frazzled, tired mother worried for nothing.

This prompted me to speak to my psychotherapist friend (PF here on), who has been my rescue 911 at multiple occasions. She gave so much clarity as a parent, not just as Bano’s, but Minha’s too. Now I see it all in a whole new light and am, in fact, grateful to that stranger who made me probe into this, only to see that Bano’s personality is actually a blessing for me.

How? Read on.

My PF, very rightly so, pointed out that our in culture, (controlling) parents and family members expect too much from toddlers. He must eat without making a mess, must not take off shoes, must not dirty the sofas and walls, must speak politely to elders, must not be noisy, must listen to elders and the list goes on. We have made our own definitions of what a NORMAL CHILD SHOULD BE LIKE. If a child doesn’t fit this mould, then the comparison begins with other toddlers, who perhaps are not going through terrible 2s to such a degree. And the conclusion is reached that the child needs to see a doctor that can help him/her ‘correct’ his/her behavior.

In the constant correction and admonishment, desi parents end up not allowing the child to express him/herself, so much so that they end up killing parts of the personality a child is born with. We don’t allow our children to explore and view the world the way they like, and passively teach them that they need to always please people. While growing up, the child worries so much about ‘ammi abbu naraz ho jaein gay, log kya kaheingay’ that as an adult, the child is incapable of voicing his/her opinion, stand up for him/herself or doing things to make him/herself happy. Everything is about ‘log’ and satisfying them. What a pity that unknowingly, we don’t allow our children to blossom and bloom to their true potential. We raise them to be timid, indecisive adults. We destroy their personalities by telling them “don’t do what you want to do, do what everyone else wants you to do”. If they are being bullied, they will not be able to speak up for themselves. We stunt their creativity. As parents, we do a disservice to them.



It breaks my heart to realize that.

According to my PF, toddlers like Bano, who are very sure about their likes and dislikes, grow up to be autonomous, creative, and clear what they want from life. They listen to their feelings and choose to do what’s best for them, without worrying about ‘log kya kaheingay’. Research shows that children whose parents avoid being ‘helicopters’ have more resource to deal with different situations as adults. Imposing parents end up with children that have issues, often needing therapy to heal themselves.

As I listened to my PF’s response, I realized Bano is born with the qualities that I work so hard on with Minha, who is mostly unable to defend herself or say ‘no’ in school or a playground. What else do I want more than to have a daughter who naturally is strong is able to speak up for herself?!

When I think back, I have had fewer expectations as a parent from Bano as compared to Minha. I have been more accepting of the fact that she is a child and it is her job to turn the house and my brain upside down. If she dirties the white sofa with her meals, it is MY fault that I chose white fabric. If Bano grabs my lipstick and breaks it, it is MY fault that I left it in the open. If Bano is having an ice cream, I cannot expect that she won’t stain her jacket. I want her to enjoy it, I want to enjoy watching her, and once home, I want to patiently throw the jacket in the laundry without making it a big deal. After speaking to a qualified, practicing therapist, my resolve to continue being that kind of a parent is stronger than ever. I want to allow Bano to grow up as a ‘free child’ so that as an adult, she’s strong and brave enough to face the world. Having said that, I want to continue working on Minha, allowing her the freedom to be herself and maybe asking Bano to give her a couple of tips in the future, haha!

My purpose of sharing this blog post is to tell all mums whose children are labelled as ‘not normal’ to relax. The symptoms of terrible 2s and ADHD are SO similar that it is TOO SOON to make conclusive remarks about a child. Your 3-year-old cannot be expected to sit like a soldier. If your extended family members expect that from him, the problem lies with THEM.


You can follow my Instagram blog here.


Sunday, 2 June 2019

Eid Recipes Series – 4th Edition: Mahvish’s Very Berry Cheesecake


Prep time: 50 minutes (sauce plus cheesecake)
Setting time: 1 hour



As the Eid Recipes Series comes to an end, I thought I should wrap it up with some mithaas. It’s meethi Eid, afterall! Aur mithaas ke saath seasonal fruits ho jaein to kya hi baat hai.



What makes my cheesecake a winner is its very berry sauce topping. It is so shiny and eye-catching! To make it, I use mixed berries. I use strawberries because I like their flavor and smell. I use raspberries because I like their tangy punch and the texture their seeds add. I use blackberries too for the colour they add. However, I do understand that finding a variety of berries is not typically easy in Pakistan. But not to worry! You can use only strawberries too, if they are in season. And, if you want to make your life even simpler, just buy blueberry sauce topping off the shelf (I used the American Garden brand in Pakistan) from stores such as Al Fatah in Lahore or Agha’s or Paradise in Karachi.



I decided to share my easy breezy and very popular cheesecake recipe because I felt it would be a brilliant feature to add to an Eid trolley. It is so simple to make. It is beautiful to look at. And it is fresh. The crazy part is that it is cheese-less. Yet, a cheesecake nonetheless. Naam jo bhi de dein, hai fit. To aaein seekhtey hein, iss khubsurat se meethay ko bananay ka tareeqa e kaar.




Ingredients:

Digestive biscuits 200 grams
1 tin of condensed milk 400 grams
Cream 400 ml (2 packets of Milkpak or Olper’s cream for Pakistan)
Melted butter 100 grams
Gelatin powder (I use Rosemoor brand from Pakistan)
Berries of your choice (2 roughly filled mugs)
Sugar

Method:



For the sauce:
  • In a saucepan, add 1 mug of water, 1 tablespoon sugar and the berries.
  • Allow the water to come to a boil. Then lower the heat so that the fruit cooks and eventually disintegrates.
  • Use a hand blender to puree the fruit.
  • Cook the sauce further until it starts to thicken.
  • In about 2-3 tsps of lukewarm water, add 2 tsps of gelatin and mix quickly. Then add the gelatin to the sauce ad stir well
  • Allow the sauce to cool down and then put it in the fridge so it may thicken a little more
  • It takes about 25 minutes for the sauce to cook to its desired consistency.



For the Cheesecake:
  • In a blender, crush together the biscuits and the melted butter. They will combine to form a coarse mixture.

  • Now layer the base of the container in which you intend to set the cheesecake while pressing with a spoon so that the biscuit is packed tightly. [You can use the traditional cheesecake mould, which is removed after the cake is set or use shot glasses/small bowls to make individual servings like me. I prefer the individual servings because they look so cute!]

  • Put the bowls in the fridge for a few minutes so that the base is firmly set
  • In a large mixing bowl, whisk the condensed milk and the cream together

  • Then add 3 tsps of gelatin in about 4 tsps of lukewarm water and mix well. Add the gelatin to the mixture and whisk again
  • Now, pull out the bowls from the fridge and layer the creamy mixture on top. Keep in mind that the biscuit base should form ¼ of the dessert and the creamy mixture ¾

  • Put the bowls back into the fridge and allow 1 hour for the dessert to set
  • Once the cheesecake is ready, garnish your bowls. In my photos, I have given you 4 ideas for garnishing and decorating. You can pick your favourite style or even mix and match!






Serve with tea or coffee.



P.S: I do a cheesecake with cream cheese and lotus biscuits. I will share that with you all soon, if you’d like a proper CHEESE cake recipe!


Sunday, 26 May 2019

Eid Recipe Series - Third Edition: Chatpati Dahi Phulki



Prep time: 15-20 minutes 

Let’s face it. From the eve of the chaand raat we begin thoosing so much that by the time it is the morning of Eid, we are swollen balloons. Going from one rishtaydaar ka ghar to another, we keep thoosing further and soon reach the verge of a violent ‘thaaaa!’. In such situations, dahi pulki tends to be an easy eat, ‘cause you gotta eat na, warna Farzana chachi may not like that you didn’t eat anything from her dastarkhawaan. Or, Najma phuppo may accuse you of dieting. Hence, this dahi phulki is a life saver.



I know that dahi phulki/barhey are an essential as well as acritical feature of the Pakistani iftar table. Yet, my family never tends to get sick of it. We all love it, and make it throughout the year. My mum’s been a champion of it, and even those who have never had the jigar to acknowledge her skill in the kitchen will not deny that when it comes to dahi phulki, she’s a master. I’ve learnt the art from her and have made a few of my personal modifications. Here my sisters, I pass the legacy down to you.


Ingredients:



500 grams plain yogurt (usually 1 dabba)
¾ cup milk
¼ cup water
1 medium sized potato
2 cups ready made phulki (or home made if you prefer)
2 tbsps chopped onion
1 tomato (chopped)
2 tbsps chopped coriander
1 small green chili (chopped)
½ boiled chickpeas
¼ tsp garlic paste
Paaprhi
Bhel (can skip if you don’t like it)
Imli chatni
¼ tsp sugar
Masalas: salt, pepper, cumin, red chili powder, chaat masala



Method:

  • Boil some water and soak the phulki in a bowl. Keep aside for softening

  • Boil a potato
  • While it boils, begin preparing the yogurt. In a big bowl, dish out the yogurt and add the water and milk while whisking. If you want thinner consistency, add a some more milk. Make sure the consistency is creamy and not watery

  • Now add the masalas (according to taste) and the garlic paste (gives the dahi a totally bazaari spin). Mix well

  • Once the potato is done, peel and dice it into small cubes and add to the mixture

  • Now, add onion, tomato, green chili and half the chopped coriander

  • When the phulki is soft (in about 10 minutes), remove the excess water and add the phulki to the yogurt mixture. Mix gently to keep the phulki from breaking
  • Remove the mixture into your serving dish. [Pro tip: Never do the mixing in the dish you intend to use for serving because it gets super messy during the prep and you want to serve in a gandi,mayli looking dish]
  • Now sprinkle paprhi generously, along with the bhel


  • Garnish with the remaining chopped coriander.

  • Chill well and serve with imli chatni. [Pro tip: If your family is a fan of very chatpati cheezein, then add 2 tsps of imli chatni to your yogurt mixture for an extra tangy punch]


More pro tips:

You can prepare the dish a day in advance and add some milk if it gets too thick the next day. Make sure the you add the crunchy garnishing right before serving. Warna soggy scene.

You can prepare the yogurt mix with the phulki, garlic and masalas and then serve the rest of the additions as side condiments. That way the guests can build their own chaat plate, making the process fun and also a little different.

Sunday, 12 May 2019

Eid Recipes Series - First Edition: Banana and Walnut Bread with Cream Cheese Sauce



Why did I choose my banana and walnut bread for your Eid trolley? 1. Every time I’d make it in Karachi for my friends, the platter would end up with a clean sweep. It is THAT good. 2. Chocolate based desserts and kheer/firni types are done to death. 3. After those heavy Eid lunches, this is a great meetha to sit back with, chill out and wash down with a hot cup of chai.


Simple ingredients, no taraddud. With this, lots of wah wahs are sure to come your way. Minha had it yesterday and said “mama, you’re surely the best cook in the world”.

Prep time: 15 minutes
Baking time: 50 minutes – 1 hour

The Bread



Ingredients:


3 eggs
175 gm sugar
175 gm butter (melted)
2 bananas (mashed)
2 tsp lemon juice
50 gm chopped walnuts
225 gm flour (makes about 16 tbsps)
¾ tsp cinnamon powder
1 + ¼ tsp baking powder

Method:


·        Beat the eggs
·        Add all the ingredients except bananas and walnuts and whisk
·        Now fold in the bananas and walnuts
·        Oil a bread pan
·        Pour in the mixture and bake in a pre-heated oven at 170 degree C for 50 mniutes to 1 hour (all ovens are different so if your loaf is not done after 45 or 50 minutes, bake more)

The Sauce



Ingredients:
1 tin condensed milk (I used Comelle in Pakistan)
¾ jar of cream cheese (I used Kraft or Puck in Pakistan)

Method:
On very low heat, mix both ingredients with a whisk and remove after a few minutes. Do not boil. Just make sure the consistency is smooth and there are not cheesy lumps in the sauce. Ideally, make the sauce right before serving so it is warm.



How to serve: When the bread is ready, you can pour the warm sauce on top. Garnish with banana slices and whole walnuts.




Friday, 3 May 2019

#confessionsonsafarnamay: From my fat self to the smart me



Born in the Sub Continent, I am genetically & geographically predisposed to storing endless amounts of fat. I was always an obese child and my teenage years were no different. Nobody, including myself, knew me as anything but that. And if that is not enough, I also belong to a society where the general lifestyle is sedentary. Parents focus on saying “beta parho, achay marks lena” instead of saying “health ka khayal rakho, gym ke liye break le lo”. In my social class, women don’t have the freedom of mobility and nobody wants to take on the pick & drop to the gym/fitness class responsibility for their daughter/sister. However, this attitude may change if her weight is coming in the way of an “acha rishta”.


One day, as I sank to the floor playing ‘ring around the roses’ with my preschool students, I felt a mortifying rip in my pants. It dawned upon me, finally, that I need to take some serious action about my situation. Having the ‘active’ job of being a teacher does not mean you’re living a healthy lifestyle. You need to watch your calories. You need to put your heart, along with your muscles, to work.

However, my realization did not mean that my family was instantly ready to see what I see. It took me a year to convince my mother that I need to start with classes for the 42 day challenge. I needed validation from the doctor that the kind of weight loss I need for my body to function optimally, taking a walk around my garden or trying desi totkas and Chinese kahwas will not help. I saved up money and alongside, worked on convincing my parents that I am old enough to drive to the other end of the city after dusk by myself for my sessions. 

Finally, when my weight-loss journey began, I found it to be the most liberating experience of my life. It was fun to drive around the city (haha) but rush of endorphins after my work-out was just exhilarating. I craved for it. I loved being sore the next day. I loved every drop of sweat. I loved the way my body quickly built strength and my progress made me fall in love with my physical self for the first time.

Once the challenge was over, I took the responsibility of my body unto myself and continued exercising as well as clean eating. I lost more fat but I was not spending hours at the gym, I wasn’t counting calories or starving myself. Hence, my lifestyle was sustainable, and I was already showing great improvements as far as joint pains, hormonal cycles and digestive issues were concerned. Of course, the physical changes increased my confidence. Who doesn’t like it when they drop a dress size and the people around you compliment your new body.

But more than the validation of my colleagues and friends, what I cherish is how my relationship with myself improved. I started being a little less mean to myself, talking less negatively to myself. I realized that if I put my mind to it and put in the work required, I could actually achieve my goals. And to achieve those goals, I learnt more about my body. I understood what it needs and how it works. I wondered why, in all those yesteryears, I never paused to reflect on how I felt after downing several slices of pizza. I learnt how to manage my time, prepared my own food in batches, made my food budget, and did my own grocery, prioritizing my health over a new kurta. On the mental health front, I identified what leads to my emotional-binging and learnt how to deal with those issues without using food as a crutch.

During my weight loss journey, I realized that not everyone is going to support you. You will encounter that aunty who will watch your plate in social gatherings like a hawk and give you weight loss tips that she never intends to follow herself. You’re going to get a lot of the following: “Aakhir kab tak dieting kero gi?”, “Itna sa mu reg gaya hai! Boorhi lagnay lag jao gi!”, “Pehle zada achi lagti thi!” and “Rung kaala hogaya hai dieting ker ker ke!”. When you visit relatives, they will get offended if you refuse to risk your health over their oily ‘mehmaan-daari’. I also became aware about the general fake standards of beauty of the world we live in. I lost the weight but I was the same person inside. Yet there was an instant spike in the ‘likes’ on my social media posts. However, what helped me stay positive and on track was my amazing girl gang that adapted our socializing around my scheduled cheat meals without even half a frown.

2.5 later, I’m still on this lifelong journey of the quest for health and strength, trying to pass on my positivity to others by being a fitness trainer. I respect my body and am grateful for all that it does for me, despite years of abuse and negative self-talk. I have learnt the power of doing small things on a consistent basis, instead of crash dieting for a month. I have stopped looking at numbers and focus on how I feel about my body.

For all the girls out there, who don’t feel confident about the shape of their body, start by understanding that body types, genetics and metabolism rates differ. We need not take the pressure of achieving the ‘right’ waist size. Stop feeling helpless and gain control over your food intake and physical health so you can be mentally fit and become better nurturers. The day you stop measuring your outer beauty from the fake yardstick of the society and valuing health over your waist size, half the battle will already be won. The idea is not to lose weight. The idea is to gain health.

Before and After




Monday, 18 February 2019

#confessionsonsafarnamay: Mein uskay baghair mukammal aur mutmaeen hoon.


It was a rainy morning. Tears rolled down my face as I looked out of the window, watching the grey sky pour. The tears this time were not of a broken heart, or lack of decisiveness, or of being let down again. This time, they were tears of contentment, because finally, this morning, I woke up with clarity. I had decided. I wanted a divorce.



It was an arranged marriage. The families were happy. My impression of him was based on meeting him just once before our wedding and he seemed like a decent person. I was very young and willing to mould myself.

Soon after the wedding, red flags began to appear. However, I attributed incidents like not going on a honeymoon or not being allowed to go out alone to the 7 year age gap between us. He never abused me physically, but he never took care of my needs. He gave me space but never made me feel loved. He never asked me for money in so many words, but he casually stole from my wallet. He never became a stone in the path of my career but he never wanted to work either. He never disrespected my parents but laid a bad eye on someone very close to me. I knew that he was in touch with an ex and at times, uncomfortably friendly with other females.

For a long time, I didn't think he is a bad person. But he made mistakes, he made tons of them and I kept forgiving. I wanted to give it my all. I thought I loved him. I didn’t want the label of a divorcee. But I wasn’t able to look towards him for anything. It took me a long time to be able to differentiate between ‘mistakes’ and ‘habits’. A person can apologize for mistakes and not repeat them. But a person cannot do much to re-weave the fabric of his nature.

As time passed, I started losing respect for and trust in him. He once left me at my parents’ house, saying that he will be travelling for business, only for me to discover later that he never left the city. He would brag about a business that didn’t exist. It was awkward for me that he was financially dependent on his father. On the other hand, I supported not just myself but also spent on our vacations and other requirements. As I contemplated whether I should take this relationship further, we got our immigration. Since we had been waiting for that to materialize for a long time, I decided to give ‘us’ another chance, based on his commitment of seeking professional therapy. He went back on his words later though, and I wasn’t even surprised this time.

The weak walls of love within which I lived began to shatter. I wasn’t looking for a ‘perfect fairytale marriage’ but I was definitely in search of my happy place. This wasn’t it. His jokes stopped making me laugh. Intimacy became an emotionless chore. His face became a canvas of lies. As the cycle of mistakes and forgiveness repeated itself, I felt physically and emotionally drained. I would always say to myself “chalo, kam se kam wo mujhay maarta to nahin”. Par waqt guzarnay ke saath mujhay ehsaas hoa mein itni gai guzri to nahin ke agar uski khaamiyon ki fehrsat mein haath uthana shaamil nahin, to mein uski tamaam kotaahiyon se samjhota karoon.

As I saw my marriage cripple, I felt I lost a part of me. But I thank the Almighty that I didn’t lose my complete self on this journey. I realized that there are other things that make me happy, other relationships that add value to my life. I was happy at work, when I travelled, when I spent time with my loved ones, when I connected with God. I realized that we are not made for each other. He was incorrigible and I didn’t want to be miserable anymore. His definition of right and wrong was different from mine and I was done trying to accept that.

I have no regrets that I decided to bid farewell to a relationship that once meant so much to me. I am happy that Allah made me realize that divorce is detestable in His eyes, yet it is allowed for the right reasons. I am happy that my decision to walk out of my marriage wasn’t hasty like the decision to walk into the marriage. I took 6 long years to decide. I am thankful to Allah for all the hardships He gave me for each one of them contributed to my strength.

To all the beautiful souls out there who are struggling in their relationships, know that you and your mental peace are important. Give chances, for everyone makes mistakes. Laikin ghalti aur khaslat mein tameez karna bhi seekho. Divorce is not a small deal, but do remember that it is as big a deal as YOU make it. Don’t be afraid of decision making and change. Every big decision (whether it’s the decision of walking out of a relationship or staying after a rough patch) is a new beginning and trust me, new beginnings are always great!

By Anonymous.

This story has been illustrated by Art By Benazir. You can check out more of her work here.



Monday, 11 February 2019

Realisation #6: The best gift you can give to a child is a happy mum.


When you’re a working mum, the possibility that mom guilt gets the best of you every now and then is high. We’re mums. We’re women. That’s just how our DNA is built. Spending the entire day out for work tends to make us feel like we haven’t been there enough for our children. And dare we step out for an emotional retreat post work, that bears the final blow to our mommy hearts.



I went back to work only 2.5 months after Minha was born. I was craving to be back in that stimulating environment. I used to be up at nights with her, like any other mom with an infant, but making it for my 7:30 am class was my way of holding on to my individuality. Doing what I loved, which was teaching, rejuvenated me. I worked till the last month of both my pregnancies because my work always makes me happy. Albeit now, it’s my blog and not teaching.

Would Minha be more looked after had I not gone back to work after her birth? Would I have been a better mum to Bano had I not been thinking what to write about next on my blog? Would I have been able to make my home a happier place had there been no career to pursue for me? No, no and no.

Here’s what I keep in mind to chuck that ‘mom guilt’ out of my system every time it knocks on my door.

  •   Quality > quantity. Now that I am a stay at home mum, I don’t feel I am able to achieve anything extra with my kids. When your kids are in your face 24/7, every moment spent is not an epitome of love and learning. If you spend your day at the office, come back and cover up for what you have missed. Hug, cuddle, kiss, have your meal together, talk about the day and go over the homework, and have best of both worlds.

  • When you step out to work, there is a LOT you’re teaching your kids. You teach them how money doesn’t grow on trees and you have to work hard to earn it. When you stay back to prepare for a Monday presentation as the rest of the family goes out for lunch on Sunday, you teach your children good work ethics. You break away from gender roles and teach your kids that mama and baba both contribute towards running the house. You also teach that a house doesn’t need a male head to be run; it works even better when 2 partners are running it together.

  • Your kids look up to you when they see you looking fresh, determined and ready to take on the world. Minha has always valued my teaching, my writing and now my blogging. She thinks I am “famous and very successful” and she goes around her school saying that, LoL.

  • You teach your children to be more independent when they spend a few hours away from you. They learn to cope with small issues on their own, which really is a life skill you’re equipping them with. When mama is around less, there’s less spoon-feeding and entitlement.

  • It’s all about what your kids are used to. Minha has grown up seeing me on my laptop. So, when I have it open, she knows mama is working and must not be disturbed. As opposed to this, my mum never went out to work and we were used to having her around us all the time. To date, if she steps out even for a small errand or to see a friend, everyone including us, our dad, the dogs and the house help feel paralyzed.

  • “Kaam pe jao gi to bacchay tum se waisey pyaar nahin karein gay” Is the biggest piece of BS ever. Your kids are YOUR kids, and you going to work cannot turn them into someone else’s. They will always love you the same. Your relationship with your kids is what you believe and make it to be. So, if those aunties try to get you all emotional by saying this, tell them “you know nothing, Aunty Snow”.

  • Being financially independent is always a plus. Not just for your self esteem but also for your relationship and for your home. Matlab, baat saaf si hai. Zamana hai mehngaai ka. And if you’re earning for yourself, you can fulfil your choti choti khwashishein AND chip in for the bigger expenses of your home. Of course, how and where you decide to spend your money depends on your home requirements, but it gives you a LOT of azaadi and mental peace.

  • You need to know that you’re not the ONLY parent. Your husband is as much responsible for your children as you are. Your partner needs to understand that you cannot miss a meeting just like he can’t. So, on days you’re running late, he takes the child to the birthday party and vice versa.

In conclusion, the fact of life is that a happy mum is a happy home. And what makes a mum happy is something that SHE decides, whether that is staying home or going out to work. When you go out every day in the pursuit of your dreams and return home feeling accomplished, you’re able to cater to your family with a smile. Remember that being a working parent is a CHOICE that YOU make. Sometimes, you will miss a playdate. Sometimes, you will miss a meeting. You have to strive to strike the right balance. So, given that you’re leaving your kids in safe hands while you’re at work, a grandparent, a reliable nanny, a day care, after school care, take a deep breath, sit back, and know that your kids will, Inshallah, do just fine. And, so will you.

Monday, 4 February 2019

#confessionsonsafarnamay: Mein talaaq yaafta hoon, kamzor nahin.





When I returned from England with a medical post graduate degree to marry my suitor, my father could never imagine the kind of life I was about to begin. The man who seemed to be the perfect match for me, who seemed to respect not just me but my idea of pursuing a career as a doctor after marriage, my choice of clothes and my choice of friends, turned out to be the complete opposite.

Domestic violence began soon after my marriage. I was hit and beaten up within the confines of my bedroom. Abuses were hurled at me as my in laws witnessed the scene. My character was questioned. I was not free to drive, to work, or even freely meet my own brother. I was woken up at 5 am in the morning to manage all the house chores, from washing the toilets to cooking the meals, single-handedly. The house help was kicked out because my in laws now had me as an unpaid servant.The man who vowed to protect me could not control his hands or his tongue even after I started expecting his child. Tired and exhausted, when I wasn’t able to fulfill his physical needs at night, he would lose his temper.

Life did not stop testing me even after my delivery. My precious little daughter was born with a condition called Patent Ductus Arteriosus. The doctor asked me to nurture her with utmost care as any form of infection could lead to heart complications and prove fatal for her. With the house chores already taking a toll on me, I now had the added responsibility of taking care of a new born who had a special condition. There were times when I wanted to give up, but I gathered every ounce of strength from my being to keep my marriage intact for for my girl. I wanted her to have a complete life with both her mother and her father to look after and protect her.

In all this time, the physical and emotional abuse continued. I wanted to keep this from my parents, who, I felt, will not be able to deal with the trauma that their daughter is not happy in her marriage. One day, as my husband lost his temper, he slapped me in front of our daughter, who was just two. She began to cry in horror. That was my tipping point. I decided I cannot continue living with a man who not just disrespects me, but also does not care about what kind of a environment he is giving his daughter to grow up in. 

I left for my parents house and told them everything. They wished I had taken them into confidence before. They said they can deal with my home breaking, but they cannot bear my self respect being shredded into pieces, day after day, in front of their grandchild. With their support, I filed for divorce.

From that day on, I decided to be strong for my daughter. She started school and I began a job as well as private practice. I have never asked for a penny from my ex-husband, who turned out to be a bigger jerk than I thought he was. Perhaps, zaalim is the right word for him. He broke all ties with his own flesh and blood by sending me a legal document, stating that she has no claim to his property. With the passage of time I have been able to heal my heart but I have not been able to forgive him. Today, my life revolves around my beautiful daughter, who, by the grace of God, is free from PDA. I am financially independent and can afford to support myself and her. Together, we take vacations, watch movies, order in pizzas and enjoy life to the fullest. When I smile, I do it with honesty, I do it with all my heart, because I have nothing holding me back from being happy.

Yes, a good partner can make life heaven for you. But a partner that physically and emotionally abuses you makes life a living hell. Aisay mard ke saharay se acha hai aurat apna sahara khud banay. My heart goes out to my parents who understood my pain and supported me at every step of the way. Had they been stuck in ‘logon ko kya jawaab dein gay’, I’d still be hiding my bruises from the world. And my daughter……I don’t even want to begin thinking how a disturbed childhood would have affected her personality and mental development. I am happy I realized that when a woman decides to be strong, she can be an iron-lady.

By Anonymous.

This story has been illustrated by Remal Thoughts. You can check out more of her work here.